Thursday, March 29, 2007

White Children Kill

Lets face it. White children are the face of evil in carnation. I remember when I was younger, seeing a glimpse of "The Excorcist" and being forever traumatized. Like I shit myself. To this day, nothing quite scares me like white children in movies. They are just do damn pastey white. I know never to trust the innocent or the light of skin!


"The Excorcist"

Santa Maria. Now this bitch was crazzzzy! Now, I know my nature, the Christian Church can be a little scary. But add a splat of holy water, a hissing crucifix and a white child that speaks in Aramaic, levitates and crawls around like an insect....nightmares. Maybe the idea of an evil possession is just not cool with me. I kept thinking, a black woman would smack the crap outta that demon. No messing with Big Mama. "Devil , I'll show you where I am gonna send your ass! Get away from my baby!"

I don't care if that spirit was in there wihtout her permission. She need to be thrown into the Pope's chalice. Word.

"The Omen"

Oh Damien! This child was sly because of the tight little outfits he wore. No, he could not be Damien! Look how cute he looks in that suit! 666 people-- I much prefer 69. That hair, the white people boy haircut of evil, that battles the white girl one of a headband with a bud flower, WARNING SIGNS!! Just cause this one don't got blonde hair, he still has the creppy light eyes. Maybe his parents or guardians should have put him into an anger management class. It could have saved his soul!

"The Ring"

Despite the fact that this "wild-child" needs to cut that blasted hair and realize looking like Courtney love is not in, Samira is one of my fave girls. I like her haunting spirit. She is not at rest because she got some blasted haunting to do; MURDERATION! Again, it would have been far more entertaining to see her be a coloured girl. Imagine the way a coloured child would have climbed up that well! Shoooot! Crawl like you crawling through the sugar cane fields from Masa! Wade in the water....

As an adult, the first installment of this series scared piety out of me. Her "gasy" ways... she re-matirealizes! There she is! Girl! They need Nanai or Ba to do some voodoo on her dead ass. "A" for sass though, S. Crazy bitch, CRAZY!

Blonde or brunette, tall or short, fat or skinny. White kids are scary as hell. Throw in some religious symbols, a cold stare, a fighting spirit and the innocence of paleness -- you are set for some healthy paranoia!


Mississauga Memoirs

I am sitting at the bus station as South Common Mall. It is so hot outside. It is still gonna be another 2o minutes before the 48A comes to take me to my house at Erin Mills and Dundas. I feel my skin cooking and realize that I am a little hungry. Ummmm...Cafe Duca. A slice and a pop....$2.25. You can't go wrong.

I walk into the mall and down the stairs. There is a group of teenagers hanging out near the door, girls giggling. I pass through the doors into the mall. I am greeted to the sight of the various social groups in the food court, sitting together. Each of them are neatly hubbed together, like BFF's! I look up and see the man that I have code named "Santa," that works at Dairy Queen. He really looks like Santa, and he seems to be one of the friendliest individuals I have ever met. Just smiles from ear to ear-- and so diligent about getting the order to you!

I think, $2.25 pop and slice, or a blizzard. The line is kind of long, I only have 17 minutes now. But then it hits me. Fries and gravy yo! Mmmmmm, Captain Sam's! I feel overwhelmed by confusion, what should I do. So hot, so hungry and so many voices in a narrow mall corridor. Ok think! Ummmmmm, I want fries and gravy. Yeah that little cardboard box with those neatly fried fries and the gravy that seemed so much more superior then the one they had at Erindale's cafe (though these were still the Erin Mills days). The plastic fork and the gravy seeping into the cardboard. Everyone was doing it. It was in. I get in line, nervous that I am gonna miss my bus, I only have 15 minutes left.

I stand in line, patiently. Admiring all the youth that walk away with smiles and fries. Yo, that shit was like an addiction. I finally, 3 minutes later, get to the front of the line. I feel anxious. Oh and goodness. I see the Asian woman flip out a new batch of fried goodness! This is gonna be so good. I order with intent. I move to the left and await my order. I get it. I sit beside a crew of girls with head wraps. No, not black ones. The kind that are Muslim. They all have such pretty smiles and seem to be such nice people. Next to them, the chicks that looked like they came from the South Common Community Centre dance. So damn cool. I can never get my hair to look like that.

I smile at the Muslims. I look at the other girls and wonder why such blandness makes them cool. What the hell do they have that makes them so important?

I finish. I run to the Gateway to go get me a blue Blow Pop. So juicy! I liked the feeling of sucking on it. I look at my watch, I have 3 minutes. I pull out my student bus ticket and walk to the bus stop. Through the doors, up the stairs. There is a Loyola couple making out against the windows. Gross. Loyola people, gross. They look so stiff in their uniforms. I wanna express myself, through colour.

I see the bus number from afar, as I see it pull in. 2 black guys stand behind me, I remember them. They live on Council Ring Road. One is kind of cute, I have a bit of a crush on him. He seems black and smooth. He kind of looks at me too.

I get on, I sit across from him. He looks at me, right at me. I feel tingly. He looks like he is tough. We pull out onto South Millway and before we reach the first set of lights, he smiles at me and licks his lips. I am shy, but I like it.

Damn my stop is gonna come up soon. I look away and turn back. He is looking at me still. My stop, ring the bell.

I ring the bell. I get up, he says "mmmmm" as I walk towards the door. Fifth Line, time for my walk home. I push the bars on the door and look back in a seductive manner. I am a Erin Mills girl, living in a Erin Mills world.

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

The Facts of Life: Parulism

As I am sitting on my couch with Derrick, we watch "The Facts of Life". Mrs. Garrett and I have spent a lot of "lives lessons" time together. It is a rumour that I am a person who enjoys learning the facts of life. So, you take the good, you take the bad, you take them all and than you have...THE FACTS OF LIFE.

So as an individual of emotional gymnastics, I ponder about what it is that I have learned thus far about "the FACTS of LIFE?"

(Life I wonder, will it take me under? I don't know)

My Parulisms (FOL's):

1. Be able to say no and walk away with fond memories:

Factually, I am someone that needs to exercise the moderation of thinking. Perhaps one may say that I have a bit of a over-active mind. Therefore, at times I am capable of intensifying my reactionary forces into an alluring sensation. EXPLODE. As I have been told by living proof and Miss Cleo (JUSTIN child....big ups to Auntie Gayle- BLASTED!!). I am an emotional, nurturing and fucking-FINE, first class human being. All those in my life who are attentive to astronomy or the curiosity of [fate vs chance vs inevitability], say it. I just know it.

I am who I am, just accept it. Stop being at a impairment about it. But do not stop trying to improve the fault. This may debilitate your elevation. Oh and -- keep it real bitches! If you have a clear conscious, your skin will look better. Do you want to look like or be an replica of mimic? I thinkest not. NO MORE. Learn.

2. Make yourself a better person.

It will be far more calming and gratifying to know people remember you in a kind light. In peace of mind I trust. If you are a fucker, shit will haunt you. So be nice or Karma will come knocking on your door with retribution. It is easy to stay at a stand still of growth, but you must always strive to improve your approach, sustenance and mentality. There is a fine line between having an intelligent and enlightened perspective, then having a static sound. Bzzzzzzz. If no one was there to push you, could you push yourself? Help yourself. Happiness lies in your own grip, you just have to welcome it.

Remember though, you still need to keep it SASSY, BITCHES. That lies BEneath-think special guest appearances. Being kind does not limit your imagination of opinion. If it is wrong, say it right.

3. Have an opinion!

Communication is key in order to connect to the collective mind. Think Borg Queen and drones. Yes I know, I am a geek. However, unlike the Borg, humans should connect with our surroundings through personal thought process. If freedom is of speech, body, mind and choice -- be free. Those who are paralyzed by the fear to learn will only lead a life that does not seen to quench my personal opinion of living. Risk is necessary.

Be aware of the world beyond your own doorstep. There are many things that we must seek to be educated about beside on own misery. Process. Fight for a cause, there are so many in need of a voice.

4. Have love/passion.

Love with passion, live with passion. Put the best of yourself into what you do, as it stimulates you and what you care about. If life is about experiencing an array of events, paste them together and realize what it was that must satisfied your cravings. What provoked you? What grasped you? What made you fuck?

Do not settle for a career that does not evoke passion in you. It is too easy to make money, but not easy enough to have your dreams come true. Find out what turns you on, and what makes you expand to express yourself. If you can feel things, it is so much better than not feeling them. Tasting SINsations, Visual Vibrations. Love hard. Kiss deeply and make love with devotional appreciation. Discovery is yours.

5. Be thankful for what you have and what you don't have.

We life a life that we should be thankful for. We have something to be thankful for always. There are people there that are forced to have far more suffering, than we can understand. Our pain is dealable. Take the time to cherish that which exists around you and through you.

Greed is insulting and a most un-attractive attribute. Yearn for that which you deserve, not that which want. Money ain't a thing...but it sure as hell helps! Survival is not easy, but be thankful that you are here to live.

Mrs. Garrett and I are like that. She taught the girls, and I strive to make people aware of themselves. What would life be like if we took a little time to care? This is obviously a surface scraping of my brain, but like Mrs. G, I have done my lesson plan for today. Or was this purely therapeutic. I just needed to think it out it seems.

The irony!

Have mercy on me.

Friday, March 23, 2007

The Art of Eating Coochie....

Warning: this post may offend sexually boring men/women who are not well versed in pussy philosophy. Or those who have simply ignored that knowledge is power!

These lovely folks may think:" I once tasted vagina when you were a young lad, and didn't quite enjoy it"...your face probably looked like a child that is forced to eat broccoli. YUCK! But the fact of the matter is, that you know that you are a little curious what it feels like to actually satisfy a coochie in this world! My mama always taught me to always give the best of me to people. I am sorry for saying this, but mama, I want to make you oh so proud!

I dedicate this post to all my ladies.
Straight boys and dykes with bad technique (kill yourself NOW), pay attention! Gay men...just listen; vagina is here to stay! DEAL WITH IT! You want titties, but no Persian rug?


For those who have experienced a good licking in the past (amen), you may relate to my wisdom. For those who are still searching to find the right tongue to do what only tongues can do (maybe with some light teeth), I wish to give you the confidence to tell them how to spread em! To those who have the fear of having someone go down on them, please girl, trust me. When pussy is eaten in a precise and proper manner, it is like finding nug at the bottom of your purse, when you are jonesing and want to blaze one up! Trust. Good old s-a-t-i-s-f-a-c-t-i-o-n!

So my personal confession is this...I love having my pussy licked and I lick it with even more pleasure. SURPRISE! Being that I am a dyke and all, it is obvious that my skills in-between the thighs is often put into motion! Choo Choo....ride on the coochie train! So what can I do to please my female partner with some oral loving, you ask?Know the basic functions of a woman's body--it is a shrine. I do not want to digress into an anatomy lesson, so I will stay focused on our specific topic of discussion-- fierce dedication to mastering the art of munching pun-tang!

Here is ThunderpussGeisha's advice: think about what would make her feel horny, baby! Do a little voyage of discovery: lick around, side to side, soft and hard, deep and with a teasing tip--dedication! Like many skills, it will grow with time and maturity. But work that tongue out like a invigorating sweat session at the gym. Don't forget the clit, folks. Think of the clit like Whitney Houston's panic button in "The Bodyguard." PUSH IT!

It does not need to be straight oral sex, like a task in a workday. Thighs, hips, stomach, arms, legs, back....tease her baby....get her going before you walk her towards the light! Have a conversation with your lady, ask her what feels good so that you can strive to be the best pussy eater you can be. Communication is key to have before, during and after sex, so don't hide your shy face. Even if it is full of white love stains! Ask her and you shall find answers on how to please her. Don't be shy! It is better you do ask than you don't, otherwise you would just be a lousy lover. Also, just be aware of the way she is reacting to your movements and in what areas are receiving triumphant screams. Aspire to be intimate and interactive with her golden conch. Think deep impact, emotional high.

Get messy. Pussy is messy, deal with it. Wear a bib if necessary, or bring a napkin. Or my personal fave, swallow or spit. Come on, someone needs to regurgitate the juices of truth! After a few gagging coughs, a little face wash and some Listerine, you can feel presentable to the world again. After, you may feel dizzy or disoriented. This is normal. Just breathe. Don't forget to sweep for pubes in the teeth! Tricky buggers!I am aware that some of you may be turned off by the taste of pussy. Yes, there is some nasty pussies out there, it is true. But think of pussy like an acquired taste, like olives or caviar. We must allow out palette to crave such wonderfulness! Pate and pussy anyone? Expand that pussy and grow.

But let me clear something up. Ladies, if you want someone to munch you, I think it is only fair that you tame your shrew. Who wants a ugly and saggy pussy?? NOT ME!! Really it is our collective feminist spirit that must bind together to emancipate our vaginas! But we DO NOT have to neglect our hygiene and turn into unattractive, pussy-monsters. Shave or wax, and trim. Just do it!For all those poor, unfortunate souls who had to eat a dutty v-jay-jay, think of it more like a sweet irony or a history lesson. That was retribution for all the years of dick sucking and deep throating we have had to do, without your lazy asses doing anything for us. A little bush wacking was in order! I am sorry, so sorry.

There you go kids....I have let my pussy speak to you, like only she could. To all my fine lady friends, wishing you champagne wishes and G-spot licks!

Monday, March 19, 2007

Review: "The Spinsters Almanac"

Firstly, I must admit that I am not an individual that has been highly exposed to the genre of Contemporary Dance, but attending this performance was not only a visual pleasure, but also a marvelous journey. I will admit that I easily get bored if I do not enjoy a performance, I just can’t fake it! Though my girlfriend was quick to point out that I remained silent during the entire performance, a rarity for ThunderpussGeisha!

This is the first full-length production of innovative and homegrown visionary, Susie Burpee (running time: 1hr 15 mins). What can I say kids, besides praising the integrity, honesty and humanity that Burpee captured in her Spinster. I willingly submitted myself to the Spinster, immediately following her powerful and alluring entrance; it demanded my attention.

A simple set, consisting of a small rise that housed a window that was draped in yellow curtains, and an empty coup, where chicks had once lives, but now only a few ruminants of feathers lay scattered. Center stage, is an open space with only a piano. Nothing fancy, just a piano. And to stage-left, a small rise that holds a wired wall of feathers and a telephone that hangs in a way that may reflect misplacement, an inability to connect with the outside. Often the phone rings and the Spinster is unable to reach it in time to answer. The wired wall is explained to be a pillar to protect her chicks from being attacked from the outside. The environment is intelligently created to be a reflection of the Spinster herself.

For me the performance was melancholic. I both sympathized and empathized with this character that Burpee created. The Spinster is a woman who has become unattached to any sense of worldly reality. She simply exists to redundantly play out her ritualistic days, and her loneliness is overwhelming, her alienation haunting. Through a few simple narrations by the talent, Burpee, and a most-effective original song cycle by Christine Fellowes, we learn, she has the same desires and passions as you and I.

The music vocals were sweet, depicting a world suspended in the colourful and floweful, whether fantasy/dream, or just painted reality. The assortment of noises were throbbingly captivating, and Burpee's body was a mirror of its effect and reaction. Essentially, the bleakness of her ritualistic behaviour is merely a result of the external forces, that have penetrated her life most personally. Cruelty, abandonment and isolation, she is a victim of life.

I was a mess kids. I was so touched by this performance. I was engrossed by Burpee’s presence, but it was the Spinster that I developed a relationship with.

Burpee’s movements remained swift and committed, and I could not help but admire her force as a performer. In fact, even her few spoken lines were communicated to us with a quirky sense of humour. It was gratifying to see Burpee maintain her character, as her mannerisms were manipuled into the molding of this character. This achievement is complimented by the tone and conviction in her spoken lines. The Spinter was talking to me.

Burpee's success to connect to her viewer through dialogue was especially refreshing. From my experience with the dance productions that I have previously attended, dancers are often exposed to be better seen and not heard!

The moral of the story for me, that passion is infinite and cruelty is tolerable. Life is diminishing, sad and hopeful all at once. The Spinster leads her life in such a way that she is fulfilled with emotional and physical energy, but her past still leaves her body to be a reflection of the damages she has sustained over time. It is a constant battle to remember to submit ourselves to the pleasures of life. We all wear the scars of our past. No matter where we go, whatever we do, however we feel, we must not forget where we came from, or what we have been through.

Praises to Burpee. I look forward to your next vision.

(thanks to Karmacake for the great pic of moi!)

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

Farewell, My Amor a la Mexicana! PREGGIE & TO BE WED!!

When I close my eyes, I have fantasized about having her as my wifie a thousand times over. Tantalizing curves, voluptuous breasts, an accent that makes you melt and get a little wet in-between your thighs. A sexuality that puts you at a stand still—ThunderpussGeisha is left speechless.

Of course, this oh so dykie intro is for my Mexican Goddess, Miss. Salma Hayek! I have always been drawn to Salma for two powerful reasons; her raw sexuality and sheer intelligence. The woman is not only a Hollywood powerhouse on-screen, being the wind behind such fantastic projects as “Frida” (which she brought to life with her then boyfriend, Ed Norton), but, also behind the scenes, as the Exectutive Producer of my favourite new T.V. show, “Ugly Betty.” I love me some Betty Suares!!
Salma is not only an Oscar-nominated actor, but also a international star! Great job Salma and America Ferrera for coming together, in all your ethnic goodness! America, you are Salma's muse--lucky bitch!

If you have read my post, “Ode to Angie,” you are familiar with my psyche and what I find desirable attraction to women. Brains and body baby! I’ll have a Salma with a side of Angelina and a Madonna on top!


So you ask, when did my affair with Salma begin? Let me tell you. I had always had a big crush on her, but after I saw “Frida,” it escalated into a level on un-earthly comprehension. As many that know me, Frida Kahlo is one of the women that most inspires me in life. So the idea of Salma taking on this role made me into a very happy guuurl! If you haven’t seen the movie, please do. It is really worth your time—it brings not only Frida Kahlo and Diego Rivera to life, but Mexico during the Revolution.

Next, I saw Salma on “The Actor’s Studio,” for a candid and enlightening interview. Listening to this woman talk about Mexico, culture, sexuality, life, passion, food, clothing, art and love….MY GOD! She has a rare articulance and the words that she utlizes to express herself---you know this is a learned woman!

So now the news has come, SALMA IS TO BE WED & PREGNANT! Here’s the 411 kiddies:

The actress is engaged to businessman boyfriend Fran├žois-Henri Pinault. The sassy pair have kept a relatively low profile since their relationship began – though Hayek, 40, has joined Pinault for occasional public events. The snap shot to the side, was taken in April at the inauguration of the Pinault Foundation's Modern Art collection in Venice's Gritti Palace.

[“Venice, Mother, Goodess!” – Veronica Franco
Stay tuned for my articles on with VIP women is history.]

Pinault, who is 44, is the CEO of luxury goods firm PPR. PPR has ownership of such fab labels as Gucci and Yves Saint Laurent. His father, Fran├žois, is an avid art collector owning more than 2,500 valuable pieces, including Picassos, Miros, as well as, works by many contemporary artitsts. Familiar on both European and American fashion and art circuits, the family fortune is estimated in excess of $7 billion. Cha-ching Miss Hayek, cha-frinkin-ching!

Well at least that the art will be gazed upon by the embodiment of divine beauty! Again, how the ugly man gets the goddess, I will never know??!! It could be because the size of his wallet, but I think Salma is far too good a human being for that. Either way, look out for these two, they look like they could defiantly become a Hollywood power-couple!
CONGRTAS SALMA! And Mr. Pinault, you better love that fine woman down!

Tuesday, March 13, 2007

ThunderpussGeisha...DRUNK SURVEY Response!

1.If I was drunk the least likely job I'd be able to perform would be?
Playing heterosexual. Please folks, when this dyke is CRUNK, there is no turning back. I lick my lips like LL Cool J and objectify women into purely instinctual gain! I smell pussy!

.2. If I was drunk the job I'd most likely have no problem performing would be?
A motavational speaker! Stop the insanity. I think that my blunt nature would be exemplified by 100 million dollars. If you had no chance, I would just tell you straight out! Please note: I would definatly be less sympathetic to white people that has issues--hello, slavery ring a bell?? Now that's issues!

3. If I was drunk the song I'd have the least shame about singing outside of a paramours bedroom window would be?
"I Touch Myself." I need not think you need any further explanation. Though I feel I should wear satin and slide my hands all over my body.

4. If I was drunk the most brazen question I'd ask on a first date would be?
"My asshole wants to go for a tongue wash--So tonight, would you consider giving it, The Works?"--spawklin diamonds!

5. If I was drunk the piece of clothing I'd have the least amount of shame parading around in public would be?
A cod piece. As those who know me well, wearing a cod piece is quite a virile fantasy of mine. I will add a fierce septor to complete the ensemble. Think gold bling...

6. If I was drunk at the governors ball immediately following the Academy Awards the person I'd feel best about throwing up on would be?
The circle of annoying, over exposed directors; beginning with Eastwood, moving on to Spielberg, to Lucas--I will spare Scorcese, as I like his glasses. Think projectile vomit alll over their suits and me laughing like a mad hadder and saying, "so can I play someone is one of your films (belch), oh yeah, THERE IS NO PLACE IN HOLLYWOOD FOR AN EAST INDIAN LIKE ME!" Vomit a little more, exit stage.

7. If I was drunk the car I would most want to vandalize would be?
The PT Cruiser. What a stupid looking car. I just want to vomit and shit all over it. Can I add shit, or is that against the rules! I am a rebel, screw you all!

8. If I was drunk the job I'd lie about having in order to get laid would be?
Madonna's dancer. You may laugh, but she is my future lover. It would sound a little something like this..."oh yeah that was me in the cage durign Issac in the Confessions Tour. Yep, all that opression with women in the Middle East, I was just trying to show how I was bursting out of my skin, religion and sex and sexuality!"
Madonna's stylist---ya I know. I WISH!

9. If I was drunk the sign I'd most likely ignore would be?
One way. Fuck you! I will go whatever way I want--would you pass me the red wine?

10. If I was drunk the woman I'd feel least ashamed about giving an open handed slap to the face would be?
Britany Spears. I thought she said, hit me baby one more time! HALAL!

11. If I was drunk the friend I'd feel most comfortable about lying about having had sex with would be?
Oh Derrick. I know he wants it all the same. In fact, on vacay with him and our sleepovers, he always tries to land his plane on my runway. So I figure kill two anxities with one stone. Sleep with a friend and and a man! In both cases, I am sure that an Asian is the safest bet. I dont want ot bleed too much. I would make him cuddle me after (that is what Asians do---so pwetty!). Plus, I know that all we both would do is bottom for one-another.

12. If I was drunk the tattoo I'd most likely INSIST on getting would be?
"The Two Fridas." I will randomly yell at people, "look how she suffered! You think you have it bad, try getting a pole through your vagina and having a filthy pig of a husband!"

13. If I was drunk the person I'd ask to stop 'hating' on my dancing would be?
No one would hate on this shit. Have you seen me move? Like butter baby, BUTTER!

14. If I was drunk the most socially awkward thing I could accuse my mother of being would be? A trani. "Ma, I know you are really Pa!"

15. If I was drunk the family restaurant I'd feel the least ashamed about throwing up in would be?
Smittys. I feel with all the grease and obesity in that place, and the stench of all the shits people have taken directly after their meals would mask the sound of my hurling. In this case, battle shits could save me some serious embarrasment.

16. If I was drunk the most ridiculous racial slur I'd use against someone would be?
White bread! We all know that shit ain't good for you though!

17. If I was drunk the most Pius person I'd ask to 'stop judging me' would be?
Myself. I'm talking to the man in the mirror...I'm asking him to change his ways!

18. If I was drunk the storefront I'd feel the least ashamed pissing on would be?
Cotton Ginny and Northern Reflections. I feel it woudl be more like a public service to discourage those poor female fashion victims, from being inticed by the lure of WOLVES ON SHIRTS! ahhhhhhhhhhh

19. If I was drunk the most random thing I'd have a candle light vigil for would be?
Lady Di. I can never say goodbye to my rose! Gone to soon.

20. If I was drunk the deity I'd most want to blame for my problems would be?
the GO-double D. This response is because I dont want to discriminate on who I place the blame on; I want to condemn all religions and faiths! I blame it on the bossman/woman!

Looking For Something Different to do?? How About Attending a Performance of Contemporary Dance?!

Hello Kids!

Here is the details on a modern dance production that is now on:

"The Spinster's Almanac: A Caberet of Solitude"
--featuring an Original Song Cycle by Christine Fellows

This is a DanceWorks CoWorks Series Event (for 30 yrs, one of TO's finest contemporary dance production companies) & A New Dance Creation by Susie Burpee (my GF's dance role model!).

If you are interested in attending, tickets are; 22$ regular, 18$ student/senior/artists/CADA

The performances are March 14-17th @ 8pm & March 17th @ 2:30pm
--Young Centre for the Performing Arts, Distillery District, 55 Mill St or 416-866-8666

I will be attending the show tomorrow, so stay tuned for my review!

Peace out!

Wednesday, March 7, 2007

America's Next Mediocre Model

So after my utter disappointment last week with ANTM, I thought I would stop being so GAY and give it one more week. So here it is kids. I have watched Episode #2, Cycle 8 and all the models are so MEH!


Give me faces, you useless bitches! There just seems to be a general vibe of mediocrity this year.

Russian chick, Natasha, oh LORD. Can someone get her some conditioner and an English teacher? She is soooo irritating!! Natasha, clearly should have been voted off this week, so we don’t have to hear her incoherence anymore! America is not the land of opportunities, GO HOME!

My forerunners stands as follows: Jael (Of course I am going to have a dyke-crush on Jael (throw me in Jael!)). , Brittany (very classic face), Jaslene (who borders on fierce latina and hoodrat!), and Whitney (BOBBY!).
But again, I am just not feeling the energy off these ladies, say like a Cari-Dee or a Niema—they seem just so regular and un-original. Where is the FIERCE??!!
But the toughest realization I have come to is this. I think that I am over Tyra and her foreheads antics. JUDGE THIS! Oh child, she is looking more and more like a drag queen as the years go by! Lord, tell me what’s up with all her Miss Cleo outfits (call me now!)?

Boring……But I am so gay and such a fashion whore, I just can’t stop watching! But let me break the illusions now of anybody that has a larger body. Though Tyra preaches healthier looking models, she still has some magga biaches on there that need to eat some FOOOOOD! So those who may believe that this is the year of the big girl, that is about as feasible as Tyra’s weave being the right shade. BLASTED!


Ok, I am done…

Love, J'Tyra

p.s. I will still be watching next week, I think it may be makeovers soon! It is like batttling the forces of good and evil within myself. Models bring out the ugly in me.

Saturday, March 3, 2007

Just a Quickie...

I just wanted to share with the world, that if I hear "Promiscuous Girl," by Nelly Furtado one more time at a club, I will slap down the closest hoe to me. WHY?? This over-exposure of Timberland is starting to get to me, like the rain did to Missy.

I love Timbo, but come on--the Pussycat Dolls collaboration? Why the hell does someone with legitimate talent want to work with those useless barbie dolls? DON'T CHA! We are all well aware, that they are uselss singers. Why is Nicole the only one that sing?? SHE IS THE PUSSYCAT DOLLS!

I must say, being a pop whore and all, I think that pop music is at its worst; in the present day.
It seems that music has dimissed into a form that imitates the oldies and goodies, in a very un-intelligent and un-inspiring manner. I am aware that pop, for example, is based on melding and borrowing from various genres and sounds. (Hence, so often , pop is critisized for un-originalty.) But I still appreciate good pop...yes I said GOOD POP! Sadly, it seems that 80% of pop-female artist, in the past year, have come out with albums that sound just like Gwen Stefani! Yes Fergie, I am talking about you! YOU WISH!

God help us all. What happened to the pop icons that I love so dearly? I feel broken....broken.


Thursday, March 1, 2007

Did Jesus Walk His Way to the Valley of the Shadow of Death?

Unless you have been living under a holy rock, you must have heard about the latest JC scandal! I got to say, for a man that has been dead for one-hundred-million years, he can sure still cause quite the media hype!

Picture it, Jerusalem, 2007. There is a documentary being made by James Cameron. Oscar winner and Canadian! I’m the Drag King of the World! “The Lost Tomb of Jesus,” to air on the Discovery Channel on March 4th, is a documentary that claims to have found the two ancient stone boxes, which once held the remains on Jesus Christ Superstarr and Mary Bad-Gyal Magdalene.

At this time I caution you to have a brain and think whether the individual that brought you, “Titanic,” should have be given the right to produce anything that deals with a religious subject matter. I mean, what is next? George Lucas producing, “Attack of the Curry Clones, India’s Holy Temples?”

According to the documentary, in 1980, in a suburb of Jerusalem, 10 tombs were found that could possibly hold the family of Jesus, including Jesus himself and his faithful consort, Mary Magdalene (M & M). The filmmakers and the researchers that were involved in the making of the film are quite excited by this claim, however many academic and Christian scholars are skeptical. Ok, we all know Christian’s and academics are skeptical by nature, it is their job—refute, refute! But let us just think about this for a moment.

The very fact that Jesus had an ossuary would contradict the Christian belief that he was resurrected and ascended to heaven. Most Christians believe Jesus' body spent three days at the site of the Church of the Holy Sepulcher in Jerusalem's Old City. The burial site identified in Cameron's documentary is in a southern Jerusalem neighborhood nowhere near the church.

Oh my, we are on the verge on yet another Holy War about a dude that has been dead forever! HALAL! Has history not taught us anything, kids?

So according to the film, there is a inscription on one of the tombs that reads, “Judah, son of Jesus.” So not only did JC walk and die a mortal death, but he shagged as well!!?? What would mama say about that? It seems that Madonna Ciccone is the one only one that can have the word “immaculate” attached to her!

Toronto filmmaker, Simcha Jacobovici, who directed this film, believes that a name on one of the ossuaries -- "Mariamene" -- offers evidence that the tomb is that of Jesus and his family. In early Christian texts, "Mariamene" is the name of Mary Magdalene.

Whether skeptical or convulsing at the idea that you, a devout believer, may actually look upon the tomb where JC and M& M once laid, one fact remains. Jesus can make mad dolla dolla bills for just about anybody who wants to document or produce his story. I mean after being tortured by, “The Passion of the Christ,” by alchie and racist director, Mel Gibson, it is necessary for us to commodify religion any further? For GOD’S SAKE, they had a line of “Passion of the Christ” jewelry! Where is Martin Luther at, with his 95 Theses?

Either way, the Christian Church and the Pope have their holy knickers in a twisted exorcism, about this matter. But as well all can see, unlike JP II, this Pope is clearly a carnation of the anti-Christ, and this should cause us to be weary of a cover up conspiracy! A type of behavioral pattern that is not habitual from the Christiandom. As a beat of sweat drips down my forehead, ThunderpussGeisha strongly recommends a healthy paranoia, when it comes to institutionalized religion.

Who’s there? Who’s watching me? Stop it! Ok I think I am feeling JUDGED!
Does it really matter if this was where JC once rested his handsome head? Or where M & M did one last hot lap dance? NO! Faith is a personal journey of self-realization. Ultimately, it is hope. Hope that something exists beyond the realm of our own selfish and destructive nature.
But this is what is troublesome with religion when it gets narrowed into being taught and preached between four stall walls.Wake up people! You can not take religious texts and teaching literally.
So if Jesus really did once lay in that tomb, does that take away the power of faith and salvation he inspires in so many? NOOOOOOO! It takes away from mysticism that is created around the possible mythology of his ascent into the heavens.

So now I leave you on this note-- is to difficult for us to believe that an ordinary woman or man could endure what JC did, and be thought of as the Child of GODD(ess)?

I think, therefore I am.