Thursday, September 27, 2012

Aaliyah "The One I Gave My Heart to"

She takes my breath away. Aaliyah sing.

Annie Lennox "Walking on Broken Glass"

Pure thunder is her voice. Theatre, power and precision. This song makes me understand that people do feel what I feel. Thanks Annie.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Portrait of a Lady

"Meloncholia" Albrecht Durer, 1514 - Engraving

The rain came towards her at the moment her curls settle. Everything has a place, shoes in the closet, love in the living room, warmth in the kitchen, always in the bedroom. Everywhere truth in the air. She flies through memories and then realizes that they are past her. Today is another day of new beginnings. Waking up, brushing teeth in the shower, dress, smile, leave the house. Whatever comes next that makes change live. Her choices are not always choices in reality. Rather changes that aim at remind her to keep on moving with hope. Making happiness her religion. With a heart on fire burning in her chest that never rests. So much love to give, so much love to give without logical limit. All is love. She never knew how much she needed to be treated gently until her familiar bolted thunder at her foundation, even at her children. A broken heart and a broken home force a jiving step forward like a fumbling toddler. Her worth still fades in and out. She is not sure why love has come and gone yet she remains. Change has never been her forte, she prefers to lay in a shell with the things she holds dear. She forgets she is dear. The sound of so much love smashing into sea rocks, lathering all sins away with tears falling from salty eyes. Life is so sad, it makes her sorrow river deep, mountain high. Memories of a burgundy bike, paisley and an inability to provide an explanation of the reasons why she now felt melancholia.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Overdue Goodbye

Run away silly little one. You were never grown enough to handle a woman like me, nor keep a woman like me. In fact I think you infected my dreams. You bolted like a reckless lover with no regards for anything you smashed into a million pieces along the way, including my heart. You are not worthy of my stress or anxiety - my mourning period should come to an end, now I can see. Why should I care for you when you did not choose to care for me? All the things you said, all the loving lies that fell from your pretty mouth. Your inability to act like an adult and spit out your words to the woman who had stood by your side through all the ups and downs. Now I can see things for what they really are; and I deserve much better. I never did anything to be treated like a piece of rubbish that brought nothing great to your life. You took my power away by running away and not even allowing me the opportunity to speak. If anything you showed what you really are - a selfish coward that does not deserve to have a grown-ass woman like me. Premeditated moments, you slept beside me night after night knowing how you were going to leave, and when you felt you had the courage to leave you lost any class you had by vomiting out like an adolescent full of angst. Fuck you. You violated my peace. You said we were a family, but now I see this was all a game to you that would eventually end. You said you were selfish from the beginning and I should have listened to you. That was the truth. So now it is time for me and the girls to move on without you. We don't welcome you in our present, for you are the past. Whatever it is that you seek, this freedom of independence you spoke will fade like many of your obsessions. One day when you are mature enough to see you will regret the way you treated me. Get out of my veins, get out of my life. After the hurricane swept through my life over the past months I realized what it was that you had really done - you fled like a refugee, but truly you did have a home. You had so many moments when you could have grown some balls and told me the truth, but instead you let it fester until you acted a brute. Bye bye baby, bye bye.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Spoken Words

Words are nothing without meaning All the moments that pass by without knowing the moment past. The last time a smile was exchanged between star-crossed strangers, last night when we kissed our children goodnight. That moment will never be repeated again. All the dulling moments that the hope of dreams coming true smoothly being upsurged by a firing squad of  spoken changes. Get up, shot down, get up, shot down. get up, shot down. Wounded. Say goodbye. Get up. People are listening. So many scars that cannot be hidden. Being introduced for so long as wife only to become a city-wide distant stranger, an ex-wife, or perhaps another testament that good girls always finishing last. Words can bludgeon spiritual presence and bodily worth if aimed to kill. Burn the witch. Every moment past can be destroyed by verbose excuses, pardon me and fleeing decree. Words are weapons and should not fall in to the hands of those that will misuse or abuse. Necessary truth should always take precedent over saying what seems comfortable. Then and only then one should speak.

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Chakra Mantra

Environments change. People come and go. My heart in my hand, I remain the same. Soul meditate and let your spirit gravitate towards greater love.
She will not abandon you, nor forsake you. A real love forgives you when you make adolescent mistakes and understand your intent is not unkind, or to deflate. Soul meditate and let your spirit gravitate towards greater love.
She will hold you tender and never find a reason to let you go. There will be no need to sweeten your worth, for your worth will be a unbreakable even in the darkest moments of them all. Soul meditate and let your spirit gravitate towards greater love.
When you act stupidly, or you did not know better, she will encourage you to grow. She will bestow upon you an understanding that before remained unknown. Soul meditate and let your spirit gravitate towards real love.

There is a part of me I should have kept for myself, but I gave it all away, only to suffer from linear and unrequited pain. When I said forever and she smiled with bright in her eyes, perhaps she was just reflecting my eternal lights. My heart in my hand, I remain the same. Soul meditate and let your spirit gravitate towards greater love.


Sunday, September 9, 2012

Mama's Girl

I come from my Mother's womb. There is a place of sensitivity where I came to learn about dignity, kindness, forgiveness and compassion, even while rustling under water.  No matter how often I walk in to my mistakes, my Mama nudges me to remind me of my strength and that as before, I will heal, resist and continue to grow freely. Remembering her when I was just a child, the warmness in her efforts to keep me happy, her striving to keep alive a marriage that would show rust and wear over the years - yet she would still have each meal on the table, the house in order and myself and my siblings feeling protected and loved. If she was lonely I never knew back then. She was like Superwoman and nothing seemed impossible when she was at my side.

In moments of weakness I touch my skin and look in the mirror, it is here I notice her eyes in my own, her strength forming my pigmentation. I have faith that I can survive anything that is thrown at me, even the deepest of heartbreaks because I want to make her proud of me. I will not fail her. To her I told her when I first feel in love at 18 - I wish to live my life with an open heart, to not fear judgement and be myself always. Here I am at 31 - and still I can see myself before her as a young woman so eager to love and lead through love. It was standing before her with so much good and innocent love in heart I remember feeling alive for the first time ever. That love is here to stay Mama, and I will show you that I am the daughter you made a good woman of. Thank you for being my eternal blessing. I will never grow bitter, regretful or cold - for I am in your image.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Melodic Flow

If you wanna listen to me flow, you will accept that I am not here to play games, in fact I am here to grow. If you reach within the seed of my grapes you will be nourished with bittersweet nutrients to appease your soul. Fear me, love me, I am my own to control. I will not be your fool, I will not be your whore, I will not be your wife, unless you strive to be full force. I will open your bright eyes to the mysteries that plague lost souls.

Like a iron lantern on an abandoned old street, I will burn to light ahead, but it is for you to chose a path or retreat. The pursuit of ambition and passion I need to see driven by your stirring hand, your ability to figure your own masterplan while uncompromisingly being firm in holding my hand. You see, I am not your average woman, consider it privilege to step in to my world. So many lost souls wandering without direction, turning the outside world cold. I am the protection from the past disappointments, the people that let you down. I will lay my body of feathers to keep you from impacting the ground, but will you catch me when I am down?

To you I can give the gift of love - open your heart to fill overjoyed and full of hope. Step into a future holding my hand knowing the secret that only you and I know. If you let your spirit be open to exploration with patience, I will be the one to guide you back to yourself - remind you that you are worth more than any material worth, unfaithfulness and distant thought. I am everything you need and more and as each moment continues to pass me by, I will grow stronger and learn to accept that which I am yet to know. Come grow or let go.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Lioness Rising

I wonder if I can control myself.
I don't even remember her name in that moment - like a pensive lioness I just stare from fantasy to reality at my desired kill. So much peaceful beauty from her mouth, some shyness too. Other lionesses could pass a check and I would lick my lips ignoring noise. Return to instinctual need for her as my same-sex mate. Language turn into hunting motions through subtle gestures that resemble a nervous first dance. Then moments of settling posture. I feel like purring and moving closer but I am not yet invited. I think of her stroking me. The middle of me feels open to being caressed. I cross my dirty paws. I anticipate.

Monday, September 3, 2012

"Turn up the Radio" - Madonna

Criticize her, love her, hate her. This is my song right now. Thanks M!

SO EXCITED FOR MDNA ON SEP 13th!!!!!! Stay tuned for my review - my 5th time seeing her live (0: