Wednesday, April 8, 2020

Growth Mindset in Uncertainty & Grief

I am not sure how to accurately describe the past few weeks, on a mental, physical and spiritual level. However it has been one of the most challenging patches of my 38 year old life. It is hard for me to grasp on the outside exactly what is normal, with the definition being constantly demanding of shift with the COVID 19 crisis. Piled on top of that was the loss of my beloved best feline friend, Neefah Pandya. She passed of kidney disease in my arms, naturally. She was 16 and one of the gentlest spirits I have ever known. The grief I am going through is real, raw, though I am without fear that I am forever with her, as she is in my heart. An eternal love.

For an empath like myself, I can certainly pick up on all the restless spirits, anxiety and fear. This with playing nurse for N for the last 2 weeks and 24/7 the last 3 days. I had to find a way to ground myself, find courage rather than discouraged.

Every person is reacting exactly as they need too, in order to be taught the lessons they need to receive, during this powerful global event that is asking us to pause. I sincerely believe that this is a reset from the universe, the source, energy, karma, Spirit, Goddess, God, whatever you wanna call it.

The truth is that we are being asked to slow down, look, reflect and change, as a human race. Reassess what really is necessary and important, how we value or ignore each other. How do we share with each other, how can we convey compassion for our neighbours, friends. How we take great Mother Earth for granted, how our arrogance makes us believe that we are the centre of the universe, but really we are dust in the wind.

I guess in some way I would describe myself as someone who has always been searching. Sometimes for perspective of growth or learning, at other times for a way, help, support, health. Now without sounding cliche, age really does convey perspective and I am happy that I have sought myself, now that I meet myself today; mentally, physically and spiritually. The more you explore the more you know, plain and simple. The more practice you take in the vehicle of your existence, the more resilient you are when situations arise that challenge you.

Suffering is a realm I am familiar with, I am very emotionally in-tune. In realness it was only in my 30s that I learned the idea of laying boundaries and emotional intelligence. This was pivotal towards awakening me towards that just like any gift you possess, you must learn how to apply it, use it, feel it, be with it.

We spend so many hours, days and minutes trying to do, to please, we often forget to be. I don't think Neefah left me without choice, or as my Mom told me so eloquently through her Hindu faith, we had repaid each other what we owed each other, in exchange. Our transaction was completed. While I find peace in her words, I can't help but know that though she is physically gone, she motivates me even more somehow.

We are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We are capable of learning to be more compassionate, if only we listen and open our hearts. I ask myself and implore you to stay present, take deep breaths, find stillness among the chaos. Everything you need resides inside.

Saturday, February 29, 2020


The greatest way to impact the world is to connect with it. Know the people, the stories.
Connect with the places, life forms, art and sensations that tantalize your senses, even when given the slightest consideration within your systems. The things you are drawn to, what ignites you. What you are feeling and you can't explain. The lovers that make you stay up at night with a pounding heart and sweaty palms, even 10 years on. The gentle purr of your cats next to your pillow at night, and the inevitable calls of hunger every damn morning, like its been that long!

Walking down the street, catching the glimpse of a stranger at the traffic light and exchanging a smile, the electricity that grabs your heart. Getting your morning coffee, seeing the most beautiful woman with curly hair when you look up, stumbling with change in your wallet. You are frozen, perhaps a slight stumble. You fantasize for just a split moment, then your cheeks J Lo glow and you are silent, you turn to see as she walks away. 

Connection by Violeta Noy.

Those connections made watching a beautiful sunset at 4:47pm, on a rare non-grey winters day, the glare of light bouncing off the snow, powdered panoramoically. Remembering once again the seasons will turn. Summer will come and the prettiest trees will again line the DVP: yellow, orange, red, green, brown and blue. Magnificent colours, so many people all different and unique, full of quality. 

The tension that arises when the connection is not right, you just can't see eye to eye. There is lack of compassion. Deep down, or perhaps right on top you know this is not what good feels like. Communication just doesn't work right, the deflection of energy is impossible. 

We are all looking for a reason to believe in that it's all worth it in the end, it's not a lonely road. That secrets are not only whispers that fade in time, that the connections are beautiful.

Friday, February 21, 2020

Carbon Copy

Love is full of mystery. I don't claim to have an absolute understanding of much, but I can't help the love that is in my heart.

I am sure what we explore will become familiar, frequent. I have never been one to tame myself or reduce my voice, though I recognize when to step back into myself, when space is not mine to take and I am diligent about dealing with my own head, heart and body at my best, in that moment.

The inherent value of seeking your own love is that it allows you to access part of your heart that make you vulnerable, human and magical. The moments, people, places, sights, sounds, smells, tastes and the feels that make you smile, pray, meditate, feel powerful.

A companionship that stands the test of life can only survive if you recognize someones queerness, uniqueness and beauty.  Celebrate it, shake it, make it with appreciation. Make a choice to be together as two.

The same goes for the way we hold ourselves in the mirror, in many different worlds and times. Love starts from within and you share it with those who make you glow, those who want to know you for who you are.