Friday, March 23, 2007

The Art of Eating Coochie....

Warning: this post may offend sexually boring men/women who are not well versed in pussy philosophy. Or those who have simply ignored that knowledge is power!

These lovely folks may think:" I once tasted vagina when you were a young lad, and didn't quite enjoy it"...your face probably looked like a child that is forced to eat broccoli. YUCK! But the fact of the matter is, that you know that you are a little curious what it feels like to actually satisfy a coochie in this world! My mama always taught me to always give the best of me to people. I am sorry for saying this, but mama, I want to make you oh so proud!

I dedicate this post to all my ladies.
Straight boys and dykes with bad technique (kill yourself NOW), pay attention! Gay men...just listen; vagina is here to stay! DEAL WITH IT! You want titties, but no Persian rug?


For those who have experienced a good licking in the past (amen), you may relate to my wisdom. For those who are still searching to find the right tongue to do what only tongues can do (maybe with some light teeth), I wish to give you the confidence to tell them how to spread em! To those who have the fear of having someone go down on them, please girl, trust me. When pussy is eaten in a precise and proper manner, it is like finding nug at the bottom of your purse, when you are jonesing and want to blaze one up! Trust. Good old s-a-t-i-s-f-a-c-t-i-o-n!

So my personal confession is this...I love having my pussy licked and I lick it with even more pleasure. SURPRISE! Being that I am a dyke and all, it is obvious that my skills in-between the thighs is often put into motion! Choo Choo....ride on the coochie train! So what can I do to please my female partner with some oral loving, you ask?Know the basic functions of a woman's body--it is a shrine. I do not want to digress into an anatomy lesson, so I will stay focused on our specific topic of discussion-- fierce dedication to mastering the art of munching pun-tang!

Here is ThunderpussGeisha's advice: think about what would make her feel horny, baby! Do a little voyage of discovery: lick around, side to side, soft and hard, deep and with a teasing tip--dedication! Like many skills, it will grow with time and maturity. But work that tongue out like a invigorating sweat session at the gym. Don't forget the clit, folks. Think of the clit like Whitney Houston's panic button in "The Bodyguard." PUSH IT!

It does not need to be straight oral sex, like a task in a workday. Thighs, hips, stomach, arms, legs, back....tease her baby....get her going before you walk her towards the light! Have a conversation with your lady, ask her what feels good so that you can strive to be the best pussy eater you can be. Communication is key to have before, during and after sex, so don't hide your shy face. Even if it is full of white love stains! Ask her and you shall find answers on how to please her. Don't be shy! It is better you do ask than you don't, otherwise you would just be a lousy lover. Also, just be aware of the way she is reacting to your movements and in what areas are receiving triumphant screams. Aspire to be intimate and interactive with her golden conch. Think deep impact, emotional high.

Get messy. Pussy is messy, deal with it. Wear a bib if necessary, or bring a napkin. Or my personal fave, swallow or spit. Come on, someone needs to regurgitate the juices of truth! After a few gagging coughs, a little face wash and some Listerine, you can feel presentable to the world again. After, you may feel dizzy or disoriented. This is normal. Just breathe. Don't forget to sweep for pubes in the teeth! Tricky buggers!I am aware that some of you may be turned off by the taste of pussy. Yes, there is some nasty pussies out there, it is true. But think of pussy like an acquired taste, like olives or caviar. We must allow out palette to crave such wonderfulness! Pate and pussy anyone? Expand that pussy and grow.

But let me clear something up. Ladies, if you want someone to munch you, I think it is only fair that you tame your shrew. Who wants a ugly and saggy pussy?? NOT ME!! Really it is our collective feminist spirit that must bind together to emancipate our vaginas! But we DO NOT have to neglect our hygiene and turn into unattractive, pussy-monsters. Shave or wax, and trim. Just do it!For all those poor, unfortunate souls who had to eat a dutty v-jay-jay, think of it more like a sweet irony or a history lesson. That was retribution for all the years of dick sucking and deep throating we have had to do, without your lazy asses doing anything for us. A little bush wacking was in order! I am sorry, so sorry.

There you go kids....I have let my pussy speak to you, like only she could. To all my fine lady friends, wishing you champagne wishes and G-spot licks!
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