My Ba

This last couple of weeks has just been exhausting for me. But when I look at my Ba (grandma, in the picture, top-centre), I see a spirit in life that has a will to live, that far exceeds my current capacity for pain. She is in physical pain. I have tears form in my eyes when I see her so fickle. I wonder what she thinks of when she sleeps? I see the degradation in her face. She looks exhausted. I just want peace for her.

She can not move about by herself, at all. She looks embarrassed that she needs to lean of her children and grandchildren to take care of her. Stale hospital walls, treatments that are not helping her. Though we know there is no need for her to feel shame, I know she does.

I am afraid of death. The idea of loosing anyone close to me, haunts me so deeply. I have never been faced with death of anyone close. I was a child when my other grandparents passed.

I am scared.
My life seems like a messy paradox, masked within the wisdom of teachings. I grieve from the pain of the loss of a very alive love.

Ba, I hope lays in her bed, reflecting on the pride she has for her children, all the battles she had to fight while caring for her family and being expelled from Africa. How she found faith in a world that had rejected her and her family of 9 children and how she managed to be a widow of 35 years, and still maintain the peace for decades. All the pain and suffering: she SURVIVED. The loves she has, the loves that she has lost. Watching all her friends die, as she outlives almost all of them.

I only hope she is happy with her accomplishements, that she feels fulfilled by the life that she led. All seems to come full circle, to me her granddaughter. "In the blink of an eye, everything could change. Say hello to the life, now you're living." Just hold on.

I wonder if she is lonely. I hope she can feel the love I have for her, even right now when I feel impaired. I know I will break real soon. I crawl back into my crab shell and reflect.

How can I say goodbye to the woman I remember walking to the fish and chips shop with in Britain, when I was a child? I was always her favourite then. Everyone knew. She would always buy me chips, as I did not eat meat then. I would climb on her lap and touch the mole on her face. Feel her round face and shower her with sweet kisses. I would always ask her to wear my favourite sari of hers, the "spider sari." She would.

Please respect your elders. They are wise about love, life, survival and contentment. They have experienced far more pain then we can even process. I always remember Ba as a powerful woman, gossiping on the phone, doing bajer (rubbing tobacco on her teeth!), the overwhelming pride she has on her face when she talks about her children and grandchildren, to anyone who listened. Ba is more popular then I will ever be! She does not miss anything. She is sharp like a pocket knife. I will always remember her in these high spirits.

Now, please let her go somewhere quiet, without the sounds of machines, or cold nurses pricking her. Everytime I leave, I wonder if I will ever see her eyes open again.

Sweet love, bitter sorrow. I know it is just a matter of time before I have to say goodbye.

So many goodbyes.

Overdue Goodbye

Somewhere along the way, I lost my piece of mind. I sat in my heart and only thought of loving you and making you strong. "I was to blind to see, that your paradise is not for me." Now I weep and sleep all day, try to cling to those I love to reassure me that I am worth something. I am always afraid of being alone, because my thoughts deafen my heart. I know that I am in a tortured pain. It fucking hurts. I try to believe that I am worthy of a love that is as beautiful as the one that I give.

I do not think that you care to think about how much you hurt me. You should have set me free as soon as you knew that you were un-sure of my place in your heart. I do not make your knees weak you say, you do not know that you love me as much as I love you. My beating heart is taken out of my chest and cannibalized. No mercy. "You took my heartbeat from me. This is the saddest story."

I have lost myself and my self-worth within the dreams that I hoped to build with you. You humoured my dreams and aspirations. To you it was a joke, something that seemed quaint. For me it is real. I long for true love more than anything. A love that can stand by me, support me when I am not at my best. Until the end of time. Commitment makes me happy, fulfilled. So many cowards and lost energies wander. I just want someone to hold me.

I came to you for comfort just a few days ago, you said nothing and went to sleep. I was so scared. I lay and weeped beside you. Holding on to you as you slept. Desperate for your love. You slept. No mercy. You knew that you no longer wanted me, but you did not have any respect. All was conditional on your rules and your timing.

Somewhere along the way, I lost myself to you. Now I am left knowing that you will kiss others, have others caress you, drink your sorrows away and never feel the pain that I feel. You broke my heart, disrupted my spirit and jaded my love.

I am everything I can be in love. When you sleep with her, will you sometimes think of me? This is a war I must win, though at times it feels so bloody helpless. I was pathetic for your love. I begged you to stay, I compromised to your guidelines. The only thing that guided me was my heart. Love is blind, but it is the only thing that really matters to me.

You say love is not enough. Maybe not for your lost soul. For me it remains everything. I only pray that the pain will end one day soon. I am not me. If I were me, I would see that you are no good for me. Did you ever really love me? Did you ever really give me your heart? No. You built me up, only to break me down.

Here I lay broken. Are you satisfied?

Ex-Factor

It could all be so simple
But you'd rather make it hard
Loving you is like a battle
And we both endure the scars
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

Is this just a silly game
That forces you to act this way
Forces you to scream my name
Then pretend that you can't stay
Tell me, who I have to be
To get some reciprocity
No one loves you more than me
And no one ever will

No matter how I think we grow
You always seem to let me know
It ain't workin'
It ain't workin'
And when I try to walk away
You'd hurt yourself to make me stay
This is crazy
This is crazy

I keep letting you back in
How can I explain myself
As painful as this thing has been
I just can't be with no one else
See I know what we got to do
You let go and I'll let go too
'Cause no one's hurt me more than you
And no one ever will

Care for me, care for me
I know you care for me

There for me, there for me
Said you'd be there for me

Cry for me, cry for me
You said you'd die for me

Give to me, give to me
Why won't you live for me

-Lauryn Hill

To Our Healthcare??

Last week, I saw Micheal Moore's latest movie, "Sicko." This is a definite must for any person who needs to be further disgusted by the state of oppression and neglect, that the citizens of the USA are exposed too. I cryed and cryed and cryed.

Fast forward to this week. My strong-spirited, master-minded matriarch grandmother, is in the hospital. She is now 93 years old. Amazing. Through all her health problems and just the general deterioration of her body, she manages to always fight back.

So she was rushed to a hospital in Mississauga, where she is now going to be for the next couple days. Health is a very delicate and saddening reality. You either possess good health, or bad. However, as we all know, with age our bodies get tired. Though, I think my grandma it a prime example of a testament to the power of spirit. I know when she is ready, she will go. All I wish for her, is complete peace and no more suffering.

So when I was thinking about what I would write about today, it seemed to come to me when I thought about my expereinces the past couple of days.

Is the healthcare system in Canada as remarkable as Micheal Moore makes it seem in "Sicko?" Yes, I do agree that healthcare is a fundamental right to every individual. Health, shelter, water, food, these are things that humans can provide for one-another and should, without hesitation.

My problem with the Canadian health care system is not targeted at the service that our good doctors and nurses provide. I completely admire their attention, strength and ability to survive surrounded by such sorrow. My problem is that Ontario (I can not comment on other provinces, as I am not aware), lacks the facilities to accommodate their patients.

I recall when my father had a heart-attack, seeing him laying in a stretcher in the hallway of the emergency room for hours, before they could move him to a room. A similar situation has unfolded with my grandmother. It has been 2 days. She is still waiting for a room. Silence and peace is the least we could give her in a environment as sterile as a hospital.

The problem lays with the government, not the medical workers. There is obviously not enough funding being poured into the healthcare system. If we claim to be enlightened as examples of admirable healthcare, we must show them that we are solid in practitioners and in facilities.

I am thankful that my family and friends have always been cared for when they are ill. I now ask, that if poverish countries like Cuba, manage to respectfully accommodate their patients, why can't we?

They have money to live in big houses and aid in wars over-seas. But we must ask of our governments, it a time of industrialization and consumerism....is our healthcare a commodity? When you are sold out of rental space, you end up in the hall? Cold white walls. A curtain you pull shut. How degrading.

It is time for a change. To our health.

Review: Evil Dead: The Musical

On Friday, July 14th, I was invited my lovely friend Jen, to go see "Evil Dead: The Musical." I had never seen the film, an obvious 80's cult classic, but I was very excited about seeing this sort of genre turn into a live production, let alone a musical! Based on Sam Raimi’s 80s cult-classic horror films, "Evil Dead: The Musical," unearths the old familiar story: boy and friends take a weekend getaway at abandoned cabin, boy expects to get lucky, boy unleashes ancient evil spirit, friends turn into Candarian Demons, boy fights until dawn to survive. The tree even come to life--everything is alive!

The show began promptly at 11pm. The crowd was full of metal heads, people with ZZ Top beards, and a few scattered ethnic faces. Me and my yellow friend are damn diverse in this crowd.



The production was a plan old GOOD TIME! Unlike anything I had seen before. Complete with a splatter zone, in which blood would splatter all over the on-lookers when severing of body parts and shooting took place! So freaking cool! If you like gore, a great sense of humour in dark comedy, plain old zombie slaughter, white people acting a fool and some yummy vulgarity--this show is a definite must for you.

The crowd was so pumped. It was absolutely amazing to see the audience reactions to the happenings on stage. As long as there was slaughter to be seen, people kept the drinks flowing. The acting was intelligent, movements well thought out to match the character personalities. A really impressive production. Props to the young lady who plays the leads characters sister...she was one hell of a great performer. Every time she busted out of the attic door, I could not help but smile and clap like a child!

Just when you thought that you had been entertained to your hearts delight, the show also ends with a fun zombie dance number! Fun, fun fun! Incorporating many trendy dance moves into the sequence, including the good ol'robot!

So if you like gore, dark humour, action, mystery and overall, a show with great entertainment value, go see this production.

EVIL DEAD: THE MUSICAL
Until Sep 8, 2007
DIESEL PLAYHOUSE - Main Stage

Red/White Wine, Wine, Wine...Ya Make me Feel so FINE!

Shocks kids! ThunderpussGeisha is 26! What a fun couple of days I have had with my lady lover (yes, we worked through the storm -- thank god). Lets just say, that wine has played an instrumental and key component to my happiness to celebrate my berfday!

On Saturday, me and Miss Melissa attended a Hindu wedding of one of my close friends from high school. The wedding itself was amazing, beautiful and touching. The bride looked lovely in a red sari, with henna beautifully outlining her hands. This wedding reminded me of the reasons that I am proud to be a raised Hindu (though I am not necessary comfortable with my faith being boxed to one religion).

Unlike the traditions of a Christian wedding, this wedding was about the union of two souls in love and faith. There was little talk about God as the only means to reach perfection, and more focus on the inspiration that the couple can bring to one-another. To encourage growth, commitment, happiness, un-selfishness and personal growth through the deepest consistency. Real love. In fact, the wedding ceremony was a 5000 + tradition, in which the priest with humour, sincerity and understanding guided this commitment into a binding of souls. He even mentioned that in Hindu tradition, there is no document that needs to be signed to signify a marriage. But unfortunately, in North America, only through a marriage licence, this bond is sanctified.

Despite the fact that Miss Melissa and I were a little nervous about being lesbian-lovers, and her being my white lady lover in front of all these humble Hindu's, we showed up looking sassy and madly in love. It was written all over our faces and our bodies.

Enter yummy Indian lunch buffet. Vegetarian and full of all the "mystery green" items I saw my mom make as a child, and continue to see her prepare.

After a nap time after the wedding and some hot boxing of the bathroom, fun counter sex and a few glasses of wine, we were ready to eat some yummies and dance the night away. Pour me a glass of wine. Enter for us, outfits #2. Indian weddings don't lie when it comes to Bollywood outfit battles! It is serious, real serious.

What is with weddings and really bad music? YOWZERS! Enter Melissa aka: the groovy-sexy-as-hell dancer and her side-kick, P-adonna. Shoot...we ripped it up kids! More wine. Open bar-more wine. People were noticing. Wine was our fuel.

The experience was so fun! We had people smile at us together, walk up to us and say "good for you," and generally just accept us. Not one moment of awkwardness. Where is my wine?

So to good times, great times, cherished and connected moments with the woman I love deeply, pot, dancing, socializing, pillow chats, cuddling, sweet kisses, spooning, making love in a king size bed (cha-bang!) and wine.

Happy Birthday to ME!

Exit Only?

Attention ladies and gentlemen. I wish to tackle a topic of discussion that may make you feel a little un-comfortable. Side effects of this discussion may include:
Fainting, vomiting, feeling a particular relaxation or cringing in your backside, or simply-just reflections of good old times ():

If you haven’t guessed, fine I will tell you. ANAL SEX! Hooray! Love it or hate it, everyone should at least try it once. Imagine you had never tried ice cream?! What a tragedy that would be, no? YES!

I am not ashamed to admit it. I pine for anal sex, like Xscape did for “Understanding.” What is it about anal sex that I find most appealing, you inquire? You’re a nosey bugger! I can only speak from my experience. This is the wisdom I will share. Anal sex is a complete out of body (or bodily functions…hee hee) experience. Just plain “give it to me” styles can be taken in this submissive position. Anal sex makes you want to tie your tits in a knot and your pussy into a bow.

So from the general research that I have done on this “leaky” topic, I have made some concrete conclusions. Gay and straight men seem to enjoy anal sex more than then straight women. Lesbians like myself, well, we are just whores. Mouths, dildos, fingers, toes…anything goes. YAY! My god, I feel so exposed.

So I try and assure my straight sisters, there is a light at the end of their anuses. After talking to them and admitting my intense passion for the backdoor loving, they seem to look at me with wonder and offence. I just don’t understand, so I try too.

I believe one of the main problems of having heterosexual anal sex is this: the men want to shove their giant cocks in a female bung-hole, without any concern for the fact that your ass is about to expand to the size of a small country. I say slowly and gently to start. If you can’t take a penis is your ass, there are always fingers! Tell your man to stop being so “trigger happy,” and try to not just get off, but also get you off! Revelation. For after this gentle massaging of your toot-toot, maybe some licking (for advanced and dedicated ass lovers), maybe you will now be relaxed enough to get the dumb-stick shoved up there! Anal sex is all about mind over matter.

TADA!

Men, oh straight men. Stop being such pussy-holes. Take the mentality of versatility into consideration. Front and back action is where it is at! I myself, do not find fulfillment out of just being either aggressive or submissive, top or bottom. Grow in the sheets with your lover. Like any sexual act, the pleasure is always more satisfying when your lover is attentive to your needs and helps you to relax, when trying something new. Do not try anal sex with a stiff ass. It will hurt.

To all those who enjoy getting ass-ridden into the wee hours of the night, or early in the morn, CHEERS to you! To many more ass-rising experiences!

A Woman's Heart Does Not Bend

Life is a constant challenge. Love is a constant understanding. What guides a woman in her lifetime, to become the best person that she can be? Though both life and love are full of triumphs and disappointments, one truth remains; a woman must stay true to herself by remaining sincere of mind and heart.

Many are disheartened by the disappointments of others. Do not allow this to be your consequence. No other will ever think like her, not even her very own lover. She must have faith that love will not disappoint her. For love is infinite. People will disappoint her, perhaps even runaway, cheat on her devotion. But if she can reach within herself with vigor, she will find forgiveness. The power of forgiveness is something that can raise her spirit from the grasp of a suffocating and sadistic suicide.

Only love can relive pain. Love is a woman’s to nourish and give. Once she has given it, she deserves it in return with the same force that she gave it. Karma. She must learn to say goodbye to that which is no longer hers to keep. But, she must keep the fighting spirit of love until she knows that it is time to set that particular love free.

She does not want an easy ride. Love is not easy, but it is simple.



A woman must give herself with honesty. People will crumble around her, but she must not give up on someone when he/she gets frazzled, self-destructive or over-indulgent. She must respect love when she has it it, hold on to it even when it is delicate and afraid. She must not let it go. A woman is to be helpful and kind, for love can be quite mystical in its carnations. As humans, we are prone to loose sight of the simplicities that allow us to cultivate and grow. So as a strong woman, you must learn to gently navigate those around you towards the light. Never sacrifice your understandings of love to destroy yourself or another.

A woman has a very unique prowess. She is sustained within either frolicking in emotions, or suppressing emotions. However, the inevitability is this: she feels with passion. Love, hate, jealously, selfishness, helplessness, desperation, devotion. A woman’s life is a fine balancing act, upon a towering tight-rope. Staying focused in her values and fulfillments is crucial for achieving something substantial in her lifetime. Whether this is a personal victory or a realization of a dream, she must always remain focused on staying true to whom she IS.

She must reamain patient with learning. A woman can never know everything in her lifetime. When she, in exhaustion and with exhilaration, places her beautiful head down to take her last breath, she must be thankful that she did embrace both physical and emotional learning. She did her best to be a student of life. If she does embrace these difficult paths, she will die with contentment. There is no room in love for the weak of heart, or the un-kind.

Time is a woman’s greatest asset, her heart and mind, her personal guide. Though it is a difficult growth, she should not give up on anything that she may regret in her future. A woman’s victory is never easy, she must attain it with grace and dignity.

She must always remain graceful and dignified, even when she does not feel it. Rise.