Waiting. Waiting in Vein?

Lost, not knowing whether to run to someone, or hide from them. Sound familiar? Feelings, relationships & love are all peculiar and delicate areas of ethereal pursuit. If there is one thing that I am aware of at this point in my life, it is that I am seeking love and fulfillment in a partner. I am ready for love.

As those who know me are aware, I went through an intense and most valuable martyrdom after the demise of my first love. I was literally a bird with broken wings. The story goes, she quite abruptly left me, and the exchanges of mental warfare after, was violent. My insecurity actually left me not knowing who I was, I just knew what I frantically wanted her. I did not care about anything else. Dear desperation. The loss of having her as my concrete foundation screwed me up. I realized my co-dependency on her; I had lost myself in her.

This was a real scary realization. Crying became my only way to express myself, and pain and desperation was all I could output. I was literally broken and lost. It took time to heal this wound in my heart and mind, and only with the support of my family, friends and a fantastic epiphany, I was able to pull through. What was the epiphany, you ask? That I had infinite love around me in so many forms, and this was just a lesson in my journey of self-discovery and realization. Love does not disappoint, people do.

Having this revelation changed my life forever and still, holds to be the marker of my rite of passage into Parulism (if curious, just ask). Karma is a strong universal law that I have deep faith and dedication to believing. What goes around comes around, what you give will come back to you in good time. But the problem seems to lay in the fact that it seems that many individuals seek to take from others, but have little to give in return.

This is what ThunderpussGeisha knows she has tucked away neatly, for the right person:

{She has lots to give, more than you could ever imagine. Enough to feed your mind and your soul. Oh yes, the satisfaction will linger on the tip of your tongue and you WILL only want more. She is the best sort of addiction.} Love rain down on me, down on me.

But as I have discovered, seeking and having are two very alternate realities. Through the process of growing into an adult, I have been jolted around to the left, to the left. But my intentions have always held firm. My desire is to peruse a satisfying, an equal and forever-challenging relationship. I want someone to push me, and I want to push her. Commonalities are important, but an opening of my eyes to things that are of foreign knowledge, has also grown into something very attractive to me.

I have gone from having someone, to just holding someone to holding on to someone. I don’t want to be desperate for anyone to love me. But I still want her to yearn for me desperately, and vice versa. To be wanted by someone, and want someone is a most powerful and life altering state of existing. By letting all your inhabitations go and just going for that which you want, you can feel more alive then ever. But, we must consider that timing must be right. Not for one person, or the other, but for both parties.

But when is the timing ever right?? It seems at the end of the day, we are still pawns in the universes twisted plan. Ok I will confess--I am growing impatient!! When will this assembly line of damaged goods, reveal to me, someone who is capable of self-maintenance, long battery life and most crucially, someone who has been assembled with care, to assure dependable quality??!! I am not unrealistic, people! I just don’t want bullshit.

Bottom line, it is never easy to let someone in. Really, it is a risk. Not to sound like a bitter butch (AS IF!), but I, as many people I have in my life, have grown weary about the true intentions of many who seek a relationship. It seems that many singles out there are looking for ALL the wrong reason! For example, many just seek comfort in having someone around, the routine of having someone to come home to/be with. However, though Mary J. tells us, she just can’t be without us, we all know we can make it alone, we can make it alone, we can make it alone! That is, with some love and support of our family and friends.

I think if we all took a little more time to self reflect, we all could seek such great satisfaction in the things that already surround us. But it is always important to stay positive, and in no way am I trying to deplete the gratification of a relationship, or the happiness it can bring to your life. In fact, I am a pathetically, hopelessly romantic fool! I believe that there is one woman who can fulfill all my cravings, and I hers. But this leads me into my next point. If you are still damaged goods, take time to heal and grow into yourself. This is common sense. Life is never an easy ride. We can be presented with personal challenges, that we must overcome alone. It is key that you do not fear these tests. Take them on with a fighting spirit, in the name of love.

Don’t try and be that which you are not. If you not someone who seeks a monogamous relationship, then don’t lead anyone on. Just be honest, or you are a coward. Don’t be afraid of outside judgments--just go about your own way. You know what makes you feel contentment, so don’t make your obvious desires invisible, It is easy to be a liar, but it is not easy to be honest with yourself. Don’t make this mistake; it will end up haunting you in the future.

Life is funny. This is my current crossroad: Having someone beautiful before my eyes, and not being able to have them...yet? I have nothing intelligent, confident and wise to say in this matter. It seems I have great advice for everyone, but myself! I suppose patience was the one virtue that I never possessed. When I fall, I fall hard. When I want someone or something, I want it with all my heart. But I suppose that this is when you and I can come face to face with our true humanity, our desires and our needs. When do you hold on? When do you let go? When should you put yourself aside, to allow someone else to grow? Can you be patient, understanding? Can you allow someone to pull away from you, parts that he/she has already given to you? Just remember, good things don't come easy.
I suppose that I, like anyone else, am a student of life. So I will learn. I gotta find peace on mind.

“Love is life, life is free. Come and take a ride with me.” -Erykah Badu



My pursuit of happiness continues…..