Growth Mindset in Uncertainty & Grief

I am not sure how to accurately describe the past few weeks, on a mental, physical and spiritual level. However it has been one of the most challenging patches of my 38 year old life. It is hard for me to grasp on the outside exactly what is normal, with the definition being constantly demanding of shift with the COVID 19 crisis. Piled on top of that was the loss of my beloved best feline friend, Neefah Pandya. She passed of kidney disease in my arms, naturally. She was 16 and one of the gentlest spirits I have ever known. The grief I am going through is real, raw, though I am without fear that I am forever with her, as she is in my heart. An eternal love.

For an empath like myself, I can certainly pick up on all the restless spirits, anxiety and fear. This with playing nurse for N for the last 2 weeks and 24/7 the last 3 days. I had to find a way to ground myself, find courage rather than discouraged.

Every person is reacting exactly as they need too, in order to be taught the lessons they need to receive, during this powerful global event that is asking us to pause. I sincerely believe that this is a reset from the universe, the source, energy, karma, Spirit, Goddess, God, whatever you wanna call it.

The truth is that we are being asked to slow down, look, reflect and change, as a human race. Reassess what really is necessary and important, how we value or ignore each other. How do we share with each other, how can we convey compassion for our neighbours, friends. How we take great Mother Earth for granted, how our arrogance makes us believe that we are the centre of the universe, but really we are dust in the wind.

I guess in some way I would describe myself as someone who has always been searching. Sometimes for perspective of growth or learning, at other times for a way, help, support, health. Now without sounding cliche, age really does convey perspective and I am happy that I have sought myself, now that I meet myself today; mentally, physically and spiritually. The more you explore the more you know, plain and simple. The more practice you take in the vehicle of your existence, the more resilient you are when situations arise that challenge you.

Suffering is a realm I am familiar with, I am very emotionally in-tune. In realness it was only in my 30s that I learned the idea of laying boundaries and emotional intelligence. This was pivotal towards awakening me towards that just like any gift you possess, you must learn how to apply it, use it, feel it, be with it.

We spend so many hours, days and minutes trying to do, to please, we often forget to be. I don't think Neefah left me without choice, or as my Mom told me so eloquently through her Hindu faith, we had repaid each other what we owed each other, in exchange. Our transaction was completed. While I find peace in her words, I can't help but know that though she is physically gone, she motivates me even more somehow.

We are much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We are capable of learning to be more compassionate, if only we listen and open our hearts. I ask myself and implore you to stay present, take deep breaths, find stillness among the chaos. Everything you need resides inside.

Endure

The greatest way to impact the world is to connect with it. Know the people, the stories.

Connect with the places, life forms, art and sensations that tantalize your senses, even when given the slightest consideration within your systems. The things you are drawn to, what ignites you. What you are feeling and you can't explain. The lovers that make you stay up at night with a pounding heart and sweaty palms, even 10 years on. The gentle purr of your cats next to your pillow at night, and the inevitable calls of hunger every damn morning, like its been that long!

Walking down the street, catching the glimpse of a stranger at the traffic light and exchanging a smile, the electricity that grabs your heart. Getting your morning coffee, seeing the most beautiful woman with curly hair when you look up, stumbling with change in your wallet. You are frozen, perhaps a slight stumble. You fantasize for just a split moment, then your cheeks J Lo glow and you are silent, you turn to see as she walks away. 

Connection by Violeta Noy.

Those connections made watching a beautiful sunset at 4:47pm, on a rare non-grey winters day, the glare of light bouncing off the snow, powdered panoramoically. Remembering once again the seasons will turn. Summer will come and the prettiest trees will again line the DVP: yellow, orange, red, green, brown and blue. Magnificent colours, so many people all different and unique, full of quality. 

The tension that arises when the connection is not right, you just can't see eye to eye. There is lack of compassion. Deep down, or perhaps right on top you know this is not what good feels like. Communication just doesn't work right, the deflection of energy is impossible. 

We are all looking for a reason to believe in that it's all worth it in the end, it's not a lonely road. That secrets are not only whispers that fade in time, that the connections are beautiful.

Carbon Copy

Love is full of mystery. I don't claim to have an absolute understanding of much, but I can't help the love that is in my heart.

I am sure what we explore will become familiar, frequent. I have never been one to tame myself or reduce my voice, though I recognize when to step back into myself, when space is not mine to take and I am diligent about dealing with my own head, heart and body at my best, in that moment.


The inherent value of seeking your own love is that it allows you to access part of your heart that make you vulnerable, human and magical. The moments, people, places, sights, sounds, smells, tastes and the feels that make you smile, pray, meditate, feel powerful.

A companionship that stands the test of life can only survive if you recognize someones queerness, uniqueness and beauty.  Celebrate it, shake it, make it with appreciation. Make a choice to be together as two.


The same goes for the way we hold ourselves in the mirror, in many different worlds and times. Love starts from within and you share it with those who make you glow, those who want to know you for who you are.

Face to Face with Self-Care

The balance of health is so delicate. Life leaves very little space for recovery, the hustle is perhaps the most unnatural way to lead life. Traumas embed themselves like DNA in our minds and bodies and they're difficult to expel, as they come back and repel.

I wish I knew the formula, but me, just like so many out there face the reality of mental health as being a very real source of attention and caution. So why is it that so many of us feel the way we do? I tell myself when I am in extreme anxiety, it is simply a way of feeling, a feeling, being overtaken. But therein the problem is: being overtaken.

Over the past 5 years I have had to make serious commitment to my wellness, and trying to keep even keel with remaining motivated in my life, careers and as an artist; trying to balance with taking the time to just rest, be, breathe and process. Some days I am convinced that there is nothing natural at all about how we lead our outward lives. The concept of 9-5, capitalism, injustice, privilege and oppression, sexism, racism, homophobia, greed, that people starve and do not have clean water to drink, or a place to call home. That we just can't get along. Things are simply so out of whack.

I have learned to know myself very intimately and believe me, some days I drive myself nuts being the emo crabby beautiful spirit that I am. Trust me, I wonder if I was more an asshole and derived greater pleasure from selfish-foolishness, I may be more stable, less prone to anxiety and  even bouts of depression (usually as a result of a toxic potion of anxiety, insomnia, worry and processing some sort of bullshit).

The stakes are to stacked in many of our odds simply because of experiences, so how do we conjure empathy for others with experiences we don't relate to, live or care to acknowledge? When our own wings are broken, how do we learn to soar above the pain of inflictions? How do we both remember and forget?

I have taught my heart to sing many times, even when she fills with hesitation. I will never let fear get the best of me. I knew I could not stay that way, I won't let myself slip away.

On Racism

Racism is everywhere. There's no denying it exists in and for people to access and deny power. Control. 

Racism informs government and police to base judgements and priority to your life being of importance, worth a call, an investigation, an incarceration. Law and justice, how they claim to protect and serves us is linked to how we look, where we come from and our sexual orientation. Communities of colour are predominantly abused, mistreated, under protected, neglected and misunderstood and exploited by every single man-made social, economic and political system. 

Policing is an unjust way of imposing justice. Lives are taken and taken by police, hard times are fallen on, mental health issues fall through systems and systems, but there is little real help to lift health to better. No real improvement from oppressions that happen so inconsequentially, every damn day. The police are as much gangs and terrorists as the gang and terrorists they claim to pursue. 

Who the hell is policing the police? They hella got an ego problem that's way out of proportion, and clearly the law protects them from fair persecution. How many times can we see cops abuse power, take lives and leave families and friends, communities broken and get away with it? How many times will they murder, lock-up and forget us?

Racism is actually more prevalent than compassion for our fellow human beings on the day to day. Everyone sees, experiences and is controlled by their racial profile. White dominance seems to demand systemic enslavement and crippling disadvantage to people of colour everywhere, around the world. Home, work, walking in the streets with our hands up, on the ground begging we can't breath. 

Absolute systemic disadvantage for those who are the best equipped to evoke change, in hopes to keep to keep desire for change silent, unequipped, indifferent, quiet, down. 

NO MORE. 

Colonization is a friend of racism. Colonization is an extension of racism, using political and economic control over geography to control coloured communities by imposing organizational, technological superiority over the native population. Overpopulation, economic distress, social unrest and religious persecution can be the reasons why colonizers came in the first place. The destruction they impose upon arrival, keeping the cyclical power of colonization alive. 

My parents were expelled from their home. I was a child born in Britain, under the protection of one of the most brutal land rapists in history. It's as complicated as you imagine human feelings to be. 

Colonization by nature subdues and assimilates indigenous population to the culture of the colonists; most of the time what I call: small white dick male power. Racism is societal cancer. Cut it out like our survival depends on it, because it does. 

White privilege is largely addicted to being exploitative of us quite literally and physically. White and European people spread colonization everywhere and wanna take what's not theirs, and not necessarily ours. Every land belongs to Indigenous people, they are the original settlers. 

Often there is no regard taken towards caring for our communities, as people of colour. Incarceration of minds and bodies at a pace and percentage which reflects just how deep the hatred is against us. 

I am sick of it all but not so sick that I can't say ENOUGH. Speak up now, if you have a mouth, say NO to this BS.

Awake

Those who promote conflict benefit from it. Not those who are privy to it, saturated in it. It's more sexy for cowards to tower over power, than realize healing must take place for generations of pain, for so many and provide tools and patience for positive change.

For the criticism of history and the challenge of its recollection through a selection of voices of narrow on change, women, people of colour. Yet disengaged from modifying systems to be put in place to create opportunities for every person to thrive, feel alive. 

How simple it could all seem in a dream, when an inhale of breath into the breast free from the weight of systemic oppressions, anxieties, depressions. Trauma. 

They want to distort us to shift focus from empowering youth, saying that black lives matter and brown lives are important. Bury the image that skin other than white can achieve success, and sustain from being swallowed into dilution that keeps power gleefully fucking privilege. 

Yet it is the poets, the protesters, the journalists, the musicians, the painters, the creators words and expressions that provoked generations. Wealth sunk 6 feet under and enjoyed no life after death, no possibility to resonate with future generations. 

The power is in the people, emerge the issues we need to address, the ideas we see rise in our communities as valuable affirmations. What sort of a world would it be if the rich were poor and the poor rich equally? What would the cost of freedom be away from systemic slavery? 

The essence of human potential is cooperatively an achievable reality. Each child needs to be told they are beautiful, each woman given encouragement and access to elevate intellectual confidence into desired change. This reality sticks with me. 

It was all a dream.

My Resistance of Canada 150: 7 Reasons

I appreciate that I am a Canadian. I recognize the privileges I have, as well as the freedoms. However I will not be celebrating #canada150 for these reasons:

1) Indigenous people have suffered greatly over the past 150 years because of the pass system, residential schools and the Sixties Scoop.

2) The annihilation of Indigenous cultures. The lack of opportunity to reclaim what they lost during colonization. 

3) Implemting with urgency the Truth and Reconciliation Commission's report recommendations detailing the heart-wrenching testimonies of thousands of residential school survivors, their parents and many others.

4) Decriminalizing systemic and everyday attitudes towards Indigenous people. 

5) Urgently providing adequate water, food, shelter and social services in ALL indigenous communities. 

6) Honouring Dish with One Spoon Treaty. Here we agreed to share, replenish and protect the lands we are now inhibiting. 

7) Although Indigenous women and girls make up only 3% of the female population in Canada, they represent 10% of all female homicides in Canada. Indigenous women in Canada face many risk factors, compared to non-Indigenous women. There are nearly 1,200 murdered and missing indigenous women and girls in Canada, possibly more. We need answers, their families need answers and to have their grief taken seriously. 

The Scream, on the cover, The Subjugation of Truth, by Kent Monkman.

My own parents were expelled from their homeland by Ugandan military dictator, Idi Amin. Displacement, rejection and struggle was met by courage, and they have survived - but the recognition of the rapes, death, tortures and brutalization still remains sparse. 

While many of us are out celebrating, please remember the impact of colonization in all our lives and the obligation to tell the truth, and honour the first peoples of the land. 

I Use to Know

Radical Brownies, illustrated. Image by Julio Salgado. 

I am driven by a hunger I do not understand
The flow of the moon reflects little specs of creativity
...in my belly

I am not afraid to be alone
I yearn for love
I am Queer as fuck
        yet I yearn for one love
Peace after the bombs

Inspiration is the only place I have found
     resiliency
Expression, voice
    releasing the truth
no
 alternative truths
Refugees taking over
White man running

Mamma told me to always be myself
I am not sorry
Will my love away
                    When I was one.

Visit Julio Salgado's page

Year New

Evolution is survival. There seems to be some confusion about the definition.
Each day represents so many reasons to get lost in mad confusion.
I am a healer but I need healing.
Why are people not kinder? Am I fat? Did I feed the cats? What should I eat next? Did I eat? What is the reason I continue finding reason to hope that we can move beyond catastrophic self-obsessional ways?

Colours fade in a black and white world.
Black Lives Matter. Brown Lives Matter.
Stifling images leaving little room for differences, curves. Any truth or common sense on how to preserve life dies.
To many prescription pills. Mental health is an epidemic, too much weight and pressure on all our shoulders.
Look how they try and hide your story, omit your songs and hopes from existence.
Extracting creativity is the only true way of preserving stories of actually being human. Repress what you should be and express what you need to be.
Humility is not defined by religion. Check a history book, religion is an institutionalization of belief that has been the reason for so much destruction. A trap to entice the gluttony of greed in your neighbourhoods, communities, mind.

That doesn't seem very human. Who have we become?
It isn't easy on some days, but there's always brighter days - just like Tupac said.
As the new year rolls in fill your body and the whole wide world with thoughts of all that is dear, healing, happy and raising the disenfranchised voices and ways of living.
Know better, because knowing is better.
2017 I want to get away from all these mislead human intentions - hate, sexism, phobias and racism. Removing fashion of disenfranchising realities and finding a way to reflect only the lights we all carry within.

Giver and Go-Getter

I tried so hard to tell myself that it was all worth the fears, the anxieties, the broken hearts, or perfections that seamlessly came apart some day. In desperate times I felt as though my mind had gone, I had to learn to fall and catch myself annoyingly frequently. To keep moving in a direction that would remind me to breakaway from the confines of the skin I needed to shed, what it feels like for a queer woman of colour some days, or simply what it takes to remain human.
Somehow I could not forget all the ones I love(d). The touch of the clearest blue ocean cleansing my skin, washing away all the weight holding me from becoming free. The sand exfoliating the feet I relied on to be the foundation of bringing me up to face the world again.

Ready or not, whatever I didn't want to come, came. So much of what was dear, became a smile in the memories of broken glass reflecting haunting images like the Phantom of the Opera singing to himself at night.
Floating pieces in my belly.
I restore my faith each day, I don't get down on my knees to pray. I don't like bowing unless it is for elders I respect. Does that make me unethical, a devil woman with a reason to wreak havoc in this muthaf$cka?
I carry myself each day. I know what it feels like to be me, to carry myself when I am not sure I truly understand anything. Well except honouring my drumming heart, the simple but vital act of breathing or catching breath, trying to be smarter and forgiving myself for my mistakes and my limitations based on what's left to exhaust.
Fumes some days. Fire others.
I still believe in love. I'm saving all my love
just like Whitney.

Psyche Mirrored Escape Room 81

They treat us like we are numbers.

If they don’t like the way we look, the way we feel, what we deserve, what we occupy, views

They like to turn their backs and report us to terrorist authorities who claim an imitation and privileged sense of justice, caring little for equal opportunities and more about attaining power for the greedy few with a limited palette for the truth, sharing, being kind and decent human beings, just being that way

Don't turn off the lights, but see they lurk  like cowards with propaganda to disenfranchise us from finding purpose

Mental health is mental wealth.

All while we are trying to find footing and balance in a world that can seem so out of control 

How many tears need not be shed from tragedies that were social responsibility?

The root of excess and striving to be an illusion, not encouraging us, not even seeing us

I use to think it was harsh to think, but I can’t deny the way I see such an difference for any conviction

We treat each other over the course of what we claim as evolution, without really asking  what we need, our hopes, and it puzzles me

Why don't people with instinct send up for the elder on the subway? 

Why does everyone look like they are running to and from themselves? 

Such a confusion of slow and fast moments, not knowing what's next, but swearing to have some flex to stay on top of the world

No reason holding on to a dream that's gone

Running, running, everyone has somewhere to go, but are the lights on, is anyone home?

Some days I just feel fed-up

I wonder how to maintain purpose, but I never lose my core

I gain motivation knowing the stories I have been told and I have to tell myself

Keeping the motion of the words I find with me, planning my great escapes with imagination as a visualization of the world I can see us all doing better in. 

Stirred but not Shaken: Toronto Blue Jays October Baseball

As many of you fellow avid Jays fan, I am feeling a little confused on now to sum-up emotions from this years not so gracious end. While it is no easy task to make it to the ALCS two years in a row, what are the underlining issues that are peaking through for the Toronto Blue Jays? What is holding them back from getting into a World Series?

Here is my top 10 BEST:

1. Edwin Encarnacion. Seriously the man is gold, and he is now coming off his personal best season. 127 RBIs, 42 HRs and while this in itself is impressive, the man cannot be taken for granted on how clutch he is in big situations. His bat discipline is amazing, and even though he is bombarded with basically outside and unhitable pitches, he still manages to push through. His offence was not a surprise, we all know he is more than capable. But what was a surprise, was how decent he is playing a defensive position at 1st base, and opening up the DH spot for another hitter. I think this involvement with his team on both ends has helped make it the best season for him and his fans. He better comeback to the6ix, because he is an elite player, reminiscent of Jose Bautista in his hay days.
2. Aaron Sanchez. This kid hurling fastballs with movement is like very few I have seen. At just 23, his potential to be great is enormous. I was a little unsure when I saw him show up this season, defiantly looking much heartier and stronger. The question for me was how would he adjust in a starting role, and did he have the stuff and stamina to keep it going as a starter? The answers to all the above is YES!
   
   He pitched close to 200 innings this year, more than double from the previous, carrying an overall 15-2 record. He has proven himself as an ace in the making and his willingness to move past all the chatter of whether he could has impressed me even more. Next year I don't wanna hear any doubts about his abilities or physical capabilities. He looked strong out there 95% of the time - he deserves to be respected for winning the AL ERA title at an even 3.00. He is the future of pitching!
3. J.A. Happ. I had the pleasure of seeing Happ start quite a few times this year. As the only lefty starter for a majority of the season (previous to the acquiring of Fransisco Liriano), he plays far more an important role in the starting rotation than even his amazing numbers reflect. A top Cy Young candidate in my opinion, alongside Porcello of Boston, his ability to make pitches in a calm, collected way is amazing. He only have up 72 runs in 195 innings. That is impressive. He brings the professionalism and maturity that is a stabilizing force in the starting rotation and at 33, is peaking at his best. 
4. Ezequiel Carrera. Quite simply, this man is a go-to weapon. For a bench player, I think he is the one guy who earned his keep to play more regularly. He does it all, a master bunter, speed, excellent fielder and boy when he gets streaky, is he ever streaky! Perhaps the thing that was most surprising for me was the demonstration of some of his power. While he did not have a ton of home runs, it was clear the way he drives the ball that he has some pop. I wouldn't mind seeing him become an everyday player. Perhaps stepping into right field if Joey Bats is let go.
5. Josh Donaldson. Not much selling needed of the reigning MVP from the AL in 2015. He plays the game the right way, he approached every at-bat with such discipline. It was clear that at times this season JD was playing through some injuries, but he never whined about them and pushed through.
   
   This playoff season he was batting over .400, yes .400! He is a big part of the heart of this team, he pumps up his follow players and keeps it real. I love his new over the pants socks and hightop shoes look - keep it fresh Bringer of Rain. He ain't so shabby in the field either. Perhaps one of the underrated fielders spoken about in the regular season. 37 HR, 99 RBIs - he makes a team winning.
6. Roberto Osuna. Osuna Matata! Can you even imagine being 21 and having 36 saves? He is the youngest in MLB history to recored this many saves. This young man is another weapon of mass destruction, much like Sanchez, who represents the future of baseball pitching. It is so impressive how calm and collected he remains in any situation. He has the aura and presence of someone who has been doing it for years.
7. Troy Tulowitzki. TULO! Quite honestly, I have never seen such an impressive shortstop in MLB. The man throws unimaginable strikes to first from already impossible stops. He is the heart and soul of the in-field defence and pushes his teamates to step-up to his level. The influence he has had on his fellow infielders in undeniable, and who better to show Devon Travis the ways. This man is invaluable. While his batting to some time to come around, it seems like he has finally got past the injuries that have plagued him over the past 2 seasons. I think we just started to see a glimpse of how great a bater he is later in the season. He is defiantly become one of my personal favourites, TULO!
   
8. Jason Grilli. It's Grilli time! It was clear that the Jays bullpen of last year was not going to be enough in a league that is producing lightsout power from their bullpens. Jays needed to step up that game, and Jason Grilli, the veteran, is exactly the prescription needed. It was clear of the affect Mark Buehrle provided in terms of leadership on the pitching staff and I think Grilled Cheese has stepped into this role quite nicely. Seeing sweat flying from his locks and his unusual staredown to set for a pitch has become something Toronto fans have come to appreciate. While Brett Cecil has struggling with injuries and command for most of the season (but got back into the solid pitcher we know the past 2 months), Grilli took on the role of set-up man. I think that Cecil and Grilli, alongside Benoit is a winning combo for the future. 
9. Joe Biagini. The Rookie with a sense of humour! What is there not to love about this kind? It is clear that he works hard, and it shows with his precision on the mound. I think his potential is just starting to unfold, and his pitch arsenal will continue to get deeper and stronger. I could see him being a starter in the future. Jays should keep that in mind, like another Sanchez-like transition. 
10. Devon Travis. Booty baseball is back in town! Devon Travis is an amazing ballplayer. He is just in his first full-isa season, due to nagging injuries, but does he ever add so much as a leadoff hitter and has a high IQ at the plate. He is just beginning to show his potential and will be an all star one day! I hope his injuries don't become him, as he is a star in the making out at second. We haven't seen one since Robbie Alomar, but personal childhood hero! I heart baby (the nickname his teammates have to him). The only .300 bater on the squad this year. He will improve as a fielder too, I believe, as he gets more confidence and experience. 
    

Top 7 WORST:

1. John Gibbons. Aside from the fact that he looks like an earthworm, the man is a moron. He did show some level of improvement when it came to rotating his bullpen, but he just does not possess the smarts to take this club to the next level. Sadly, it is already announced that he will be back next season. He needs to become more aware when to pull people out. Also on how to get bench players more regular at bats. I could go on and on. He looks like an earthworm. 
   
2. Russell Martin. Calm your tits! I love Russell Martin behind the plate and calling games, but my gods, is his offensive approach is frustrating at time. Dude, if you are 0-21, cut down your swing and just make contact already! He has his hot hot hot month, but other than that, just was not able to produce offensively in the way he can. His throwing runners out percentage was also significantly lower than in his past years. Again, love Martin, but for a veteran he should have a better approach at the plate. I think Navarro should get more consideration for starts, he was on during the playoffs and also deserve some respect.
3. Micheal Saunders. Again, love me Captain Canada when he is on. But boy when he is off at bats, is he ever off! Some time I roll my eyes at the pitches me swings at - so many bloody strikeouts like his buddy Martin. While he was hot as hell in the first half and named an all-star, again I think this is more about him becoming a more disciplined player next season. I like Saunders, I just think he needs to improve his ability to diversify what he can hit and where he is hitting. We all know he can connect with low and inside. I wonder he will be back next year, the outfield looks uncertain to me with Bautista and Upton being unknowns. 
4. R.A. Dickey. So likeable as a human being, and a class act. But dude, knuckleballs have got to go! They have no place in a starting rotation in MLB today, it is a different kind of game. He is not dynamic enough anymore. Love you R.A. but you gotta go!
5. Josh Thole. I feel a little mean about this one, I mean the poor man is R.A.'s personal catcher for years. Unfortunately for him, his role is so attached to that purpose and he doesn't exactly hone the skills of a Jedi master behind the plate. Next!
6. Ryan Goins. I don't know what happened to Goins this year, but he never got it Goins! While he is an exceptional fielder at second and short, his ability to connect with a bat became bleak. I don't know what to think, but the reality is that Devon Travis is an all-star in the making and hot as hell, as the Jays only .300 batter in the regular season. 
7. Jose Bautista. Hold me, this is hard for me to say. He has been my man for years now, but the fact is Joey Bats is not who he use to be at almost 40. I think it is more difficult to be a mature bater than a pitcher, and with two injuries that kept him out of around 50 games this year, the question is, where does he fit or does he into the future of the Jays?
   
   He is not as quick as he once was, and clearly not as powerful as when he was the two-time homerun champ. The main issue in the Jays lineup is that they need more contact hitters, guys that can just get on and don't always have to swing to the fences. He is still good, don't get me wrong, but I think that EE is the staple power hitter now in the starting line-up and JD a close second. I love you Jose! Thank you for bringing the thunder to Toronto baseball. I wouldn't be shattered if you stayed either. Sigh. 

Well now that is off my chest, I thank the Jays for another great season. Being in the top 4 is not shabby at all! But the question is how do we win a World Series, or even get to win? I think the starting rotation is now on-point, the bullpen is looking tight too. What needs to be adjusted is the batting line-up - we need guys who can just get on, hit it the other way, so that when the home run is not flying, there are other ways. Josh Donaldson has this down to an art, his teammates should follow. I think there needs to be some changes made. Here's to looking forward to April baseball in 2017!

Russian Roulette for One

It's funny how the weight of the chest can be so variable.
Free and in love, heavy and broken.
Pieces of scattered moments that have passed and things that you didn't know how to be better at.
Even when you are the best it's natural to temporarily lose confidence in your step.
But don't forget to get back to flex.
Did you have a choice when came apart, did it break your heart?
Have you seen the world that stares at me from inside the window, in reflection on the water.
Clearly anyone can see that struggle is a way of life in a world so sick with hatred and greed.
How can anyone feel elated, when you are not taught to lift yourself and those around you.
Self-administered assassinations.
At the end of the day.
It's a game I never wanted to play.

La Furia/Fury
by  Michelangelo Buonarroti

Mental Health: Jump for your Own Love!

There is simply nothing perfect about me. In fact, to many I must be a strange little emotional queer thing. Placing that aside, I want to connect my open struggle and relationship with my mental health matters. I feel it is important to keep the conversation going with everyone. Mental wellness is not a thing you deal with, it is a necessity of being healthy. Just like water down your throat, or sweat dripping down your skin after an endorphin hit.

A couple months ago I started to toy with the idea of coming off the SSRI (Selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors)  I have been on for about 10 months. While the meds gave me the opportunity to ground myself, get my ish together (cause life can be a "_____"), and certainly helped to reduce anxiety and thus get better sleep (important!)- they did come with an array of unappealing side effects. These included horrible horrible night sweats and bad dreams, a constant feeling and state of fatigue, brain zaps and the inability to ironically, feel any of that recklessness that makes me "special"! Who'd of dun gone think the emo Cancer girl could NOT feel! Not not feel at all, but in a Virgo kind of way, not feel!

While I appreciate the medication, which alongside therapy, concious breathing and cognitive shifting into healthier thinking habits have allowed me to regain my strength and adapt an "ain't nobody got time for that" attitude of realness, beyaaach. But here I am now. I had to know if I can stand alone again, though of course I fear not being able to have enough serotonin all by myself! For someone who was very reluctant about pharmaceuticals, I admit they can help. But it's much bigger than just that.

Whether you are someone who deals with mental health or not, you really should. The greatest thing about this journey is that I have learned to love and respect myself more than ever. I am my own ride or die. I realize my own strength, and I want you to be kind to yourself and realize yours. It ain't easy to be real in this world, who could be sane, there lives so much pain. A consider myself a real muthafucka, but hell, it takes a toll. It all takes a toll. It is not wrong to feel head hearted, it is human. Regardless of that, you deserve joy and love always. It makes you feel alive, even when you feel anxious or sad.

So where does that leave me? Somewhere between a pill bottle and a deep breath, between endings and more Deep Doses. The potential and reality of anxiety. It is ok to have emotions, that is what makes us all human.

Don't be afraid to ask for help, it is the thing I suck at most in the world, well besides being straight! I truly believe that if less people buried their trauma and pain and dealt with it, this would be a more mentally stable world. Once you realize the capacity of self; mental health gives you a way to survive. Realize it is not about control at all. It is about taking a look of what is in front of you, grappling with feelings of loneliness and uncertainty, loss and more gains. War and death, making-love and falling. Creating/creativity, ability.

Wellness of the mind is not a one-size-fits-all kind of package you buy online. You have to take chances. It can be scary to admit you have something bigger than what you can deal with alone, or to even see that.

Don't look down of yourself, as long as you are trying, you have the satisfaction of knowing that you find value in yourself. Your uniqueness and beauty. Don't feel any guilt when it comes to doing what you need to be all-good at the tip of your hood (your head). There are so many wonderful options: massages, acupuncture, Chinese medicine, naturopathic medicine, pharmaceuticals, excercise, yoga, meditation, therapy. The list of what makes you feel good and grounded. Do it for yourself. That is what mental health is.

Now I sit and wait and see what comes next. Aware that I am a 100% survivor.

Daily Deep Dose

Eeek behind in posting! Here are a few:

A photo posted by Parul Pandya (@provokemeinc) on Aug 28, 2016 at 5:13pm PDT

#ddd #dailydeepdose #qotd #quote #wordstoliveby #love #relationships #wisdow #selfcare #thehouseofprovocation #queer #southasian #searching #instagood #instahope #yep #truthbot #healing #pain #suffering #selfcare #health #survival #cancercrab #lines #direction #motivation #connection #universe #intelligence #tap

A photo posted by Parul Pandya (@provokemeinc) on Aug 27, 2016 at 11:42pm PDT

#ddd #dailydeepdose #qotd #quote #wordstoliveby #love #relationships #wisdow #selfcare #thehouseofprovocation #queer #southasian #searching #instagood #instahope #yep #truthbot #healing #pain #suffering #selfcare #health #survival #cancercrab #lines #direction #motivation #connection

A photo posted by Parul Pandya (@provokemeinc) on Aug 25, 2016 at 9:12pm PDT

#ddd #dailydeepdose #qotd #quote #wordstoliveby #love #relationships #wisdow #selfcare #thehouseofprovocation #queer #southasian #searching #instagood #instagood #yep #truthbot #healing #pain #suffering #selfcare #health #survival #cancer #zodiac #leorise

A photo posted by Parul Pandya (@provokemeinc) on Aug 24, 2016 at 10:36am PDT

#ddd #dailydeepdose #qotd #quote #wordstoliveby #love #relationships #wisdow #selfcare #thehouseofprovocation #queer #southasian #searching #instagood #instagood #yep #truthbot #healing #pain #suffering #selfcare #health #survival #cancer #zodiac #leorise #tiger #pussycat

A photo posted by Parul Pandya (@provokemeinc) on Aug 23, 2016 at 3:13pm PDT

Eclipsed Hearts

With belonging comes a complex stack of measures that are created to protect greed. 

Holding back communities in need of hope that their seed is worth tracing the scars of generations of spirits placed in shackles, meant to hold everyday people down even if they succeed to stay healthy. 

The North American Dream wasn't made for me or any of those who celebrate and value justice and equity. You never cared for me, and now you're realizing the implications of my survival. 

Emerging are community leaders like brave black lives who matter, announcing with integrity to the man that the oppressed can only be held down if the tolerate being played. 

This is a damaged society of racial intolerance, yet we are made in many shapes and colours, sexual expressions and each unique in presence. 

You cannot change the stars in the sky, they simply exist because they belong. 

You forgot to understand that the product of this system you made, has now come to fuck you. 

Sick of accepting that brutalization and police injustice from feeling the whip used to keep the poor feeling worthless, and far away from feeling their very best, or on days, like anyone at all. 

Obscuring the light from one celestial body through the passage of another, only reveals a source of illumination.

Come Around Sometime

Dear Potential Lover. 

I write to you with the hopes of honest connection.

But I proceed with precaution. 

I want a lover who knows me

and understands how to forgive me. 

Dangerous games of affection,

playing with my mind

increases anxiety in my life.

I have seen beautiful from the start 

and eventually been diagnosed with 

a "case of a broken heart."

I will give to you everything you deserve, 

what can you give to me freely?

I have paid my dues.

Are you are duty free?

I will make love with you, 

cry with you 

without emotional hesitation.

Taste your brown skin, 

memorize your magnificent curves.

I hold the only key to my heart.

My love is mine to give away.

Will you talk to me,

even when you can't stand me?

Give me a reason to stay

real love come away with me.

Weak as a lamb,

strong as a lioness,

I will keep your secrets safe with me.

Bury yourself inside my breasts. 

You belong with me.

I am not afraid to be alone.

Daily Deep Dose

PP Power Jam #45: 2Pac - Do For Love

Daily Deep Dose