Neefah and Kali - My Love Daughters

Just cause we are cute!!!!! My love, Kali Ma.

Neefah is so bourgeoisie. Some say mini-me.

Friend from Faux

Sometimes it takes time to relearn all the things you already know. Patience and healing. Lots of care for yourself - cause you are one. Let go of all disappointments, as they are no longer in your present. Remember life is a gift - look at all the love you have in your life. Your friends and family are unbreakable and will always stand by you, even as you move through all the stages of your life. They will remind you that despite your mistakes, nativity, bills, jobs, depressions and idealistic views - you are worth being alive. You are the one to fulfill your destiny, to love, to learn and to be free of calculations and actions that break your spirit. Freedom.

Illogical Dream

Lord knows I am trying. Everyone knows I am trying. At moments I feel as though I am a stranger living in my own body/mind - three weeks and one day, and I still have rare moment of quiet. I can't seem to fully let go, even though she is not here anymore. I can't seem to feel happy. I can't seem to feel but a flick or anger, but more than anything trauma and pain. I saw a picture of her the other day, and she looked as beautiful as I remember her - perfect skin like her grandma. She took my breath away.

 So many of the wise women and men I know have come to offer common sense to me, to love myself and believe that everything happens for a reason. To let go - that she is gone. To concentrate on me now. That the choice was not mine to control, it was time for her to go. Did I really think this was forever?

I miss all of what I thought I had. I miss her in a way that seems sadistic and inhumane. In moments I have felt without reason of faith, without survival instinct. Like laying down. clinging to my iPhone just in case I have unhealthy thoughts and need help. Then I wonder what within me is so empty that I can't find the courage to move on myself? I have let go of friends that were hers to hold, not many have reached out to me with a compassionate hold. I have come to see who really understands and cares for me, even though it may be awkward.

I wonder how long this inflammation will remain in my heart. I just want the truth and strength to grant me the courage to let go soon. To reclaim myself. I can't keep running, I have flat feet. Too much of my life became her because I was not smart enough to keep some for myself - I was willing to try and try even if it meant my ultimate demise. I thought if I had the patience to allow her to rightfully grow, she would see my faithfulness and keep by my side opening doors. In turn, she would also allow me to grow. I really gave it all I had, perhaps even more. I can imagine the pressure she felt being my all - perhaps it did not suit her.

It makes sense now why that day she awkwardly held my hand and I asked her "why don't you wanna hold it?" Or that she told me she was feeling attracted to other women because I let her down on her birthday. I admit I was not good that night, but I am human and I fucked up. Later she asked if we should perhaps live separately - it seems to that I did not have a say. The least I deserved was some conversation and compassion before she walked away. I would never as a human conduct myself that way. I felt like I was taking emotional orders on how I should react from Hitler. To accept the cremation of three years of my life I held so dear without any explanation other than independence needed. No assessment of what did and did not work - nothing.

For every mistake, every growth, every confrontational act she conducted I was willing to find forgiveness, for with love comes growth. I think of people that have been married for thirty years that are still committed with good intentions and I realize there is no way that each day, sometimes months, even years could have been smooth sailing - but they still had respect and commitment to try. That is the kind if love I dreamed of.

I sometimes jump when I hear a key in the neighbours door - but alas, no one is there for me. For the first time I am alone in this apartment, only my two fluffy babies to keep me feeling loved. Anxiety. Realizing how ill-equipped I am to not rely on her to make me full. To not text her "I love you, I miss you." I wish I could see the light again, inside and outside, believe that beauty is alive. I wish I could believe that I do deserve love and someone who will stand by me, through my flaws and see that I am always willing to try and grow.

Solo Session

I place my hands over my heart as to heal me. I live inside me. I feel myself in me. Me. Mama said it is my gift - to feel so much love. Some days I think it's more love and also a condition of love. A state of being accepting to truth, period. Swallowing. Obsessing. Thinking. Feeling. Try to attract the energy of healing even when you're hurting. Healing can be communally beneficial for every human being. Speck of dust. Particle of light.

Ever have a moment where you wonder if your words are meaning anything. Wonder if half the dense people you see know what you are talking about? Can I get an amen? Halal? Cow? God(s)? Fuck?

Wonder if my booty will always be this way. I hope so, it really is an asset. Tempers become shorter with age. When you dense, you have no sense. That is common sense. Why don't you see me anymore? Feline.

"Love is life, and life is free
Take a ride on life with me
Free your mind and find your way
There will be a brighter day " - Badu

Words and I are homies. I like to express myself like Madonna Vogueing with Willli Ninja, at a 1990's NYC fierce ball! How utterly gay amazing. I feel. I have a condition! I am pretty much a 31 year old queer creature with Baduism up in her grill, ready to rock the mic. Sometimes I get so attached to what I love it does me no good. I am ready to rise with growth. Thank god I can get high with Mary and her green vapours. Gets my mind off high love for just a moment.

Someday see me caught between oceans swimming like a little crab named Determined. Look up to the sky and I will be there smiling. My skin is brown. Mama said my heart never dies. Beats on and on, even when I say enough.

Special people change. Sometimes you have to catch up to the change after it happens. Deer in the headlights. Put down the gun. Ever wonder if loving is just being alive? You and I will live and die so many times - why oh why? Worse with age as hearts never fully heal. Child you will rise. You are stronger than forsaken. Music heals. Love heals. Art heals. You must not hold on to all those bags. They will give you a winged scapula. Mash up your shoulder again and be walking looking like a brown version of the booing witch in Princess Bride. "Queen of Rubbish!" Mole and all. Like a faded, broken bird limping.

Puff. Exhale. I know it hurts so bad inside. Even if you stopped breathing it's not yours to control. "Let it Flow" just like Toni said. "Don't Let Go" like En Vogue. But you have to let go of what was not yours in the first place.

Babygirl I can't wait to kiss your lips. I will anticipate you  by writing love poetry with red wine in a stemless style glass. Give you everything, oh everything cause you feel so damn good baby. Don't stop. Words are my soul - I am giving you a piece of my soul. Don't be cruel to me, ok? I will make love to you all night long, I can't wait. Over and over. I can't hold back.

I can't carry your shit. I got my own. Decide. Stay clever. Left or right? Tomorrow everything could be gone. Believe. You will have so many burdens to carry you must let go eventually. Scars revealed. Be strong, others may need your strength.

Moon Storm

Galileo spacecraft surveyed the moon on Dec. 7, 1992, on its way to explore the Jupiter system in 1995-1997.

The moon felt blinded by mistakes. She shone so bright and with all light of night, that once she forgot to be herself during the day. She did not burn so bright in daylight. By night she felt seduced by raw attraction, a love of her own at home. She came. Two lay bed cozy with hopes held dear. Hopes that seem to allow the moon to hold on to love with consequential benefit.

At night the moon shines the brightest amidst all the chaos's the daylight silhouettes on the noisy streets full of strange life. Moments of otherworldly recollections come to the moon sometimes. Perhaps the moon can feel the special earthlings like a session of cerebro. The potential of humans is amazing from above atmosphere, so much talent and chance for better. Growth. Some would say human have never been truly civilized. Slavery. Slaughter. Rape. Void. Ignorance. Greed. Exploitation. Selfish. Unaccountable. Not enough appreciation of the Earth with all natural richness. Hate. Surely the moon thought, this civilization too will come to pass. "Long after that I will still light the night. I wonder if she will come again?"

"The next time you see the moon, trace your finger along the terminator, the dividing line between lunar night and day. That's where the storm is. It's a long and skinny dust storm, stretching all the way from the north pole to the south pole, swirling across the surface, following the terminator as sunrise ceaselessly sweeps around the moon" - Nasa report on moon storms.

Cremation

Burn my heart. I can't seem to get over the pain, my heart running on a sudden expiry date. I try and spread my wisdom and remember all the courage I once had, but I feel empty. I am so lost without you. Pathetic and without hope. Moments come where I feel I can move on, then I feel empty again. I try and focus on the things that I do have, I remember what we did have. I know I showed you that I was strong but I fear with this burning sensation filling my soul, I will not heal, nor do I care to carry on.

You have truly traumatized me.

Frida Kahlo (Mexican, 1907-1954). Without Hope, 1945. Oil on canvas mounted on Masonite. 11 x 14 1/4 in. (27.9 x 36.2 cm). Collection Museo Dolores Olmedo Patiño, Mexico City.

I am shaken to the bone. I am a starving child laying in the dirt, leprosy as my condition worsening as time goes by so slowly. Without medicine, without comfort. Begging for some explanation of the reason of my infliction. I didn't deserve this kind of fate. I wish you had had the courage to leave me in a way that showed some respect. Remember me crying when I came and when I told you to you I would breath my dying breath? It is you who has killed me.

Take me away from this miserable life, take me away from the illusion I created that love is stronger than pain. Lay me down and let me he hollow in pain. I don't want to be here anymore, it all seems to trivial. Your choice has left me with nothing to gain. I can speak the words that love is all and all is love - but I don't believe what I say. Silently in moments of silence I am burning away. Now you truly can know what it is like to inflict debilitating pain.

Coffee Shop Talk

The time is now to grow. The time is now to learn what you did not know. In this moment forgive your mistakes, stresses and release the idea of control. Control is an illusion, while your happiness is attainable at your own. You can't always know. Let love move through life again and again, be thankful to grow.

Familiar Spirit

I am a woman standing in honesty. I tell you how I feel. I tell you how I think it is. I make mistake but learn from each and every one, eventually. I have mad passion for what I love.

I sex you with my tongue and feel your curves muscles opening and my focus is to water your soul. I wanna turn you on so bad I can feel myself leaking thoughts. Feel me, feeling you inside me like an eel. Reaction and adaptation. Your kisses make me hard. I flip you on your stomach, trusting our instinct for each other you know I will never hurt you, only screw you. Your body moves my hips react and my legs widen. Your breasts in my small hands, circles of motion while I feel your femininity. Holy fuck you are beautiful.

"Le Philtre d'Amour" Evelyn De Morgan (1855–1919)

I am such a lucky woman, I must be blessed. After all I have you and you're all I need to get by. If you were to ever go away I think I would cry. You are the one I have been looking for all this time. My passion is ignite. You are so beautiful, did I tell you that? I just wanna take care of you the way you deserve, don't worry about money or anything. Life has never been easy to you, in fact you work hard, but I want to build a safe place to protect us from the outside. A home. Cats. At home we can talk about everything you want. I just want to connect with you inside and out. You can even piss me off and I will forgive you. Yes, I know I am moody and a brat. I know you would never hurt me nor I you. I respect you so much. You are art and talent. You inspire me each day with your energy. This all means so much to my life. I will always work with you to grow what we have.

Now it is your turn to say goodbye and take responsibility of your actions and choices. Selfish scattered fragmentation of a person I use to respect fall all over my brown skin like ashes of a burning bed. Many nights I lay like a sacrilegious dildo yearning for your familiar.You are nowhere to be seen or heard runaway lover. You are no longer revealing magic.

Broken Bird

I am so drained. I am not strong enough to heal. I keep thinking of you, your body, your kiss, you, all of you. You're still the most beautiful woman I know. I keep bleeding the love that you were the one I wanted to be with forever. I was not lying when I said I wanted to be by your side and my feelings would not change, even if at times there was struggle. It has damaged me so badly that you just gave up on us, thinking that our challenges were enough a reason to walkaway. I can't get through a day without wanting all of you back, good and bad. I can't function, and I only pretend that I can move on. I reach out to friends and family continuously, I wake up at 4am each day with such anxiety and lay frozen for hours. I am useless at looking at the future with hope. I feel mostly hopeless. I really wanted to have you by my side through all the challenges, I imagined if I was ever sick it would you to hold my hand and tell me everything would be ok. I pictured the moment before I die, seeing you face and remembering how lucky I was to have known you, smiled with you, to have made love to you, shared with you, survived with you. Holding your hand at parties, catching your glimpse from a far and then sneaking away to kiss you. I hoped to have our own land one day, where we would build us a home and family. I am sorry that I did not show you enough care these past few months, I was feeling unlike myself, even depressed. Please forgive me.

Help me with this grief, it has no place to hide. Here I am broken bird, a lost soul, full of mutilated hopes and dreams. Keeping with being honest with myself - and I never ever wanted you to feel inadequate. You were perfect the way you were, imperfect. I contributed to the problems that came about and it seems by the time I was able to deal with them, you were already gone mentally. I think of not smelling you and my heart stops beating. I keep dying over and over again, but you still won't come back to me. Maybe I just don't understand how your love still walks my world. I keep spilling my guts because I don't know what else to do. When I am home I feel my love for you in each room. I have never felt a sadness like this - a true adult sense of loss. Why don't you just want to love me, I swear I am mostly good. Everyone can see the sadness in my eyes, I don't even try and put up a disguise. You were my everything and more, now you have gone forward and I am stuck with beautiful and broken memories forever more.

"Everyday" & "Wish I Didn't Miss You" - Angie Stone

You took my words Ms. Stone.



Feel it all and let it go free.

Wicked Words

When a relationship ends I have never been the one to point blame. In my heart I know that lovers come and go, but I can't help but move into each motion with the hopes of forever more. When I give my heart, I give it completely. I do not wish to take back that which I feel I want to share. Perhaps that has always been my fault - I love too hard, and quickly that has become too much for someone to handle. I lose sight of other things that matter, myself, friends and family, my dreams, by adulthood path. I feel too much. Balance has been evasive for me these past months, with high stress and perhaps an unconcious inclination that she was soon going to walk away. She was backing away from me with comments that made me feel so sore, little regard for our small family, that I guess I valued more.

I think people often fall in love with the idea of me - the strong dedication I have towards partnering in order to better each other, support one another and grow through the ups and downs. I like to think that I inspire love. Though I am not perfect by far, I do believe in loving hard to reach closer to universal power.

When she walked away she left me with no place to say. After a morning of her crying from feeling to sick, I was wondering what was wrong. Her tears seemed to come from deep down below, as if mourning painfully for losing someone. She said she was feeling very sick, I tried to comfort her with concern and care. I did not know I was the one that was to be destroyed. She came home that afternoon and said I needed to accept it was over, that she chose herself over me now. No emotion beside anger and frantic motion towards the exit sign. Me a mess, acting desperate to hold her one more time and assure her that everything could heal  and be better with work and time. A friend watching this all happen, as I looked at her with weakened deposition, hunched over like a lamb.

Kali is the Goddess of Destruction and Dissolution in Hinduism. Kali is known for destroying ignorance, and she helps those who strive for knowledge of God. Her name means “The Black One” and the city of Calcutta is named in her honor.

She said what we had was over and that I could not do anything about it. That she was no longer in love and would never love me that way again. Her heart had grown away from me for months now. Stupid me, I had been sleeping clueless to my fate beside a stranger. We had the chance to be better and we failed. Powerless. I have never felt so powerless. I didn't realize things were so bad.

She said she was pushing down her need for independence and now it was no longer deniable. It felt like deja vu, the same words she had said to me 3 years ago when she tried to walk away from me when we were dating: "I am selfish, I like to focus on just me. I am not good for a relationship, you deserve better."

I thought we were a team and I was ready to allow her to learn and I hope she would grant me the same consideration. I made mistakes and I felt horrible for them, deeply. But now I have gained the perspective that I am allowed to make mistake and forgive myself, as long as I am willing to acknowledge them and better myself. Now I know what I needed at times was different from what I mostly was dealt in her hand: stability, routine, emotional maturity, empathy without turning it into a game, no fear of communicating and standing up for oneself.

She silently became a boil, and when she exploded that day, I was scolded by all the words she never said. She felt like giving me a month or two of her speaking her mind was enough for me to change myself to be better, but really she had checked-out long ago. Perhaps picking at me was her way of rationalizing her letting go. A preconcived destination to runaway too, a plan set in place of how things were to go, she dictated as I froze in pain and watched each word fall from her mouth like a missile.

She said it is not about me, but it is about me. I was one with her. Now I am one.

Truth of Wisdom

The value of love cannot be dismissed by the violent pain of a lost lover. The memories of moments that you shared with an open heart and full disclosure should not be shadowed by grief. There is nothing to fear, love is here.

Devil's Advocate

You are worth nothing more than your mistakes. You are the reasons she walked away, you stupid fool. You never treated her right, she deserved so much more than you. Someone more secure in not wanting to love her so much, but balance other things that mattered. You didn’t even make love to her enough, and how could you not have seen how much she deserved to be loved? You’re useless. An incomplete and cheap example of someone worthy of love. You are slothful and greedy, and now karma has come for you to show you want you really are – nothing. Nothing now that you have lost the one thing that was given to you to cherish. Feel sick at night, cry your tears all day long until they bleed – it is your punishment for not being good enough, kind enough and most of all, smart enough to know what she really wanted. It was not you. Now burn in hell.

Quiet Love

Help me. I think I am going through some sort of fucked up withdrawal. The sun is shining, which gives me hope that one day I will wake up in the morning and not feel the sadness of you leaving my side. I understand you have taken the steps you need to find yourself; I would never want you to not feel confident and blossom in your own potential.

You were just 22 when we fell in love. I was unable to resist your kindness and ignore your beauty and potential. Our intentions were good, our home mostly happy, full of 4 women, 2 humans, 2 felines. We had ups and downs like any couple does. But recently you told me that you tried to bury your feeling of independence to be with me. I wish that had not been the case, for I would never wish for you to not feel free. I may not have done the best job to show you that I was independent on my own feet - in fact my mistakes over the years has been to coddle my lovers with all my love, and forget that they need fulfillment outside of me. I am sorry, I wish I could have been better at listening to you when you said you needed your own space. I wish to learn this most painful lesson now, in hopes that one day I can really feel secure. I get so hypnotized with my desire to love, I lose sight of other things that also require care. All the same, each person in a relationship must face insecurities and lessons - I feel that I was listening to you the past few weeks, and trying to get over my bad habit of keeping you to myself. I had no bad intentions by wanting to love you so much, but I was not awake enough to see that you were not ready for a lifetime commitment - and the routine of the way our love became our salvation became too much for you at your age.You needed to be young and I needed to be settled.

I still want to contact you just to say I truly forgive you already. I don't regret a moment we shared, but it still kills me that it had to end. I will try to brush my ego aside, and quietly continue to love you from a far. No matter how much it saddens me, I will NEVER forget you or REGRET you. I love you.

Lost at Sea

I can't read you. I can't touch you. I can't tell you I love you. I can't be the one to kiss your forehead at night and tuck you in. I can't smell you on the pillow where you once laid. This pain is just too real. Please really tell me there is a higher lesson here and a formula for me to heal. There is no good way to break my heart, but I feel betrayed by you. You said you would never go away and ride with me through the storm. But now I am here lost at sea alone. I lay in bed and toss to your side to find no sign of you.  Where have you gone my love, I'm lost without you. 

Secret Truth

From sadness come growth. From love comes forgiveness and forever. The loss of love is a renewal of what made you believe in love in the first place. The deepest desire to be close to someone you care for and protect them. To celebrate each others talents and wisdoms mutually. To allow them to grow in your gaze - but not be afraid of loosing them because what you have to offer is not enticing enough at the time. Love is a commitment to the simple fact that people may come and go, but the impact made by those moments shared with good intentions will never fade with time.

It is said that if a bird needs to fly, it is best to set it free.

A loss comes with sadness. A unexpected change that churns knives in your belly and makes you trigger the temptation of giving up. Don't give up. You are worth something that only you can measure within. Forgive your mistakes as long as they were not made of ego and not intended to damage the ones you love. Learn to be better at expressing yourself in love, frustration, depression and happiness. Never stop loving the ones you love, but let love be free as it is not to contain, but rather cherish.

TO BE REAL

I have always been such a love fool. Loving love is my game. I am so in awe of the power of love and I feel it is the emotion that has brought the best from me. I have love in my life as my motivation. I feel so committed to love. Sometimes I do get lost and be mean, but I swear on my Mother, I love with my whole heart. Though sometimes love does hurt me in a formula of insomnia accompanied by staring at the ceiling all night, more desperate than a child in need of love. The revolting feel of hell in your stomach that would make you ask for mercy and makes you weep like death. Or lay in silence paralyzed by sadness and fear. Pain. How can pain hurt so much?

Step past love to truth, a wise friend once told me. Both need to connect to be real I say. My meditation: Good grant me the strength to live my truth. Why does the truth hurt so much? Why is love worth so much?

Allow me to love you as you compel me. I am willingly under your spell. I think Love is MY Disease, like Alicia said.

Piggie in a Blanket

The skin from it's back lay dripping with the stench of rotting carcase. The glory of moments past drip with each hemoglobin drop, but somehow the heavy heart still beats strong to her drum.

Every false move the pig makes to try and escape the stall - the imprisonment of a pigs freedom and opportunity has result in game over. Surely beyond the stall lay green grass and a place to rest a head and feel at home. What a grotesque creature the pig is. Now laying sulking all the greed and miss opportunities to be a better pig. To show pigs are not just a muddy hog full of rotten thoughts of shit and self. That much like tenderloin, the pig required steady massages to maintain her pace. All the years of running away from her abusing farmers had caught up to the pig and not a movement was left where she didn't complain and shoot her mouth at the beautiful lama in the pen beside her. A white pearl with a pink glow, the lama appears, enticing the pig to want more and more of the lama's company. The lama full of wisdom about what grasses to eat and what movements would help to keep the pig's movements better with age. However quickly the pig losses sight of the lama's beauty and just proceed to complain about all the wrongs that happened to her each day, that didn't make a right. The pig is an idiot.

Each day the pig wants to love the lama more. There as no denying the lama is beautiful inside and out. Why would such a young and supple lama want to spend time with a pig beyond her glory days? With little gas in the tank to even tie a pig tail into a neat knot. The pig never deserves the ear of the lama, but somehow they became the best of kin. Soul friends, companions, some of the birds swore even the brightest of lovers.

As the blood outlines the moment to reveal a horrendous scene, it really is not sure if it is a murder or a self-hanging.