Friday, August 17, 2012

Wicked Words

When a relationship ends I have never been the one to point blame. In my heart I know that lovers come and go, but I can't help but move into each motion with the hopes of forever more. When I give my heart, I give it completely. I do not wish to take back that which I feel I want to share. Perhaps that has always been my fault - I love too hard, and quickly that has become too much for someone to handle. I lose sight of other things that matter, myself, friends and family, my dreams, by adulthood path. I feel too much. Balance has been evasive for me these past months, with high stress and perhaps an unconcious inclination that she was soon going to walk away. She was backing away from me with comments that made me feel so sore, little regard for our small family, that I guess I valued more.

I think people often fall in love with the idea of me - the strong dedication I have towards partnering in order to better each other, support one another and grow through the ups and downs. I like to think that I inspire love. Though I am not perfect by far, I do believe in loving hard to reach closer to universal power.

When she walked away she left me with no place to say. After a morning of her crying from feeling to sick, I was wondering what was wrong. Her tears seemed to come from deep down below, as if mourning painfully for losing someone. She said she was feeling very sick, I tried to comfort her with concern and care. I did not know I was the one that was to be destroyed. She came home that afternoon and said I needed to accept it was over, that she chose herself over me now. No emotion beside anger and frantic motion towards the exit sign. Me a mess, acting desperate to hold her one more time and assure her that everything could heal  and be better with work and time. A friend watching this all happen, as I looked at her with weakened deposition, hunched over like a lamb.

Kali is the Goddess of Destruction and Dissolution in Hinduism. Kali is known for destroying ignorance, and she helps those who strive for knowledge of God. Her name means “The Black One” and the city of Calcutta is named in her honor.
She said what we had was over and that I could not do anything about it. That she was no longer in love and would never love me that way again. Her heart had grown away from me for months now. Stupid me, I had been sleeping clueless to my fate beside a stranger. We had the chance to be better and we failed. Powerless. I have never felt so powerless. I didn't realize things were so bad.

She said she was pushing down her need for independence and now it was no longer deniable. It felt like deja vu, the same words she had said to me 3 years ago when she tried to walk away from me when we were dating: "I am selfish, I like to focus on just me. I am not good for a relationship, you deserve better."

I thought we were a team and I was ready to allow her to learn and I hope she would grant me the same consideration. I made mistakes and I felt horrible for them, deeply. But now I have gained the perspective that I am allowed to make mistake and forgive myself, as long as I am willing to acknowledge them and better myself. Now I know what I needed at times was different from what I mostly was dealt in her hand: stability, routine, emotional maturity, empathy without turning it into a game, no fear of communicating and standing up for oneself.

She silently became a boil, and when she exploded that day, I was scolded by all the words she never said. She felt like giving me a month or two of her speaking her mind was enough for me to change myself to be better, but really she had checked-out long ago. Perhaps picking at me was her way of rationalizing her letting go. A preconcived destination to runaway too, a plan set in place of how things were to go, she dictated as I froze in pain and watched each word fall from her mouth like a missile.

She said it is not about me, but it is about me. I was one with her. Now I am one.
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