I do not carry a dark heart, in fact I usually am able to see the light in mostly every situation. But I must say, these past 365 days I have seen, felt and experienced things that I never knew before. Sure there is love, but there is also deep pain. At the end of the day any stability that is present will all fade away. The things that you love most will leave you or die, and you will be left with your head in your hands with so much grief that it doesn't seem fathomable to process to the most heroic of hearts and minds. I am no longer able to be ethereal in any way, because suffering has come for me, taunted me with questioning the worth of my life when I was vulnerable and broken inside. I realized that I was no longer able to be strong for the ones I love, nor was I able to be connected towards the experiences that had once set me free. I was unable to take on the grief of the ones that mattered most to me the way I was use to, even when they needed me. My tank was empty and it all stemmed from night after night of no sleep. It felt like perpetual insanity that my body would not just submit to slumber, what was the matter with me? I tired it all: anti-depressants, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety medications, but nothing seemed to work. I was perplexed as the pharmacist has just told me that this pill would allow me to gain 6-8 of solid rest. Acupuncture, tinctures, yoga, meditations, herbs, all had passed through me. What was the matter with me - had I mutated into some sort of un-human beast? Was the universe taunting my sanity to the edge of the plank and nudging me to fall? The thing that hurt the most is that I no longer felt I could create my art - my words, positivity, the love that resided inside me. It felt like I had been raped and exposed, lying naked in the middle of floor, then I scurried under a table where no one could see the monster that had become me. Friends assured me that things would get better, doctors and family too. However there were at least 180 of those 365 days when I was am empty shell with no reason or way. The only thing that kept me alive and made me move was the thought of feeding my beautiful daughters, my sweet feline hearts. If it was not for them I would have likely just faded away. Maybe one day some one would have discovered my writing alongside my shadowy grave and realized that I had something worth saying, or perhaps an honesty that was rare. What a shame I passed away.
Here I am 365 days later and I have survived. Things are far from perfect, but god damn it I am still alive and I have in me still some bit of a fight. My friends assure me that I am a stronger woman today and that because of these experiences, I have earned the right of passage to a new phase of my life. I am actually ready to allow some parts of me to fade away, regaining my strength slowly day-by-day. This new me will be even better than before, she is not a theory, she is actually manifested into a force. Most importantly I have learned the value of myself like never before, though I still wonder why I was not good enough in many scenarios. First hand I have witnessed a miracle of life and the loss of lives that were premature - the sadness of friends that I love with all my heart and respect; those who push me to try each day, I thank them silently and vocally each day. Of what is ahead, I am scared and unsure. But I have made a promise to myself, the words that come to the tips of my hands are to share, as long as I am able to be a vehicle, everything will be ok. I would be happy to die this way. It's time for hard changes, no matter how much I feel scared. The time has come, may the universe grant me the strength.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
Sunday, June 22, 2014
It may empower you to be homosexual, or make you feel afraid. I ask you to look on the bright side. So much natural beauty exists without judgment or opinion. Flowers do not ask permission to bloom bright. Never feel you have to hide. You're not too gay, nor too butch. You are simply a unique person, who belongs amongst it all. You're beautiful. Happy World Pride friends!
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
Whether you welcome it or not, the tides will carry you to places you never expected to go. Prepare for the unexpected and never forget what got you to where you are now. Don't look back, but never lose sight of what encouraged you to look forward. Mostly, learn to trust what your eyes cannot see.
There once was a beautiful girl without a scorned heart. She felt every drop of imagination fall like rain between her fingertips. The world was a sea of opportunities and the roads endless in pursuit. With her heart in-hand, she followed with conviction but very little hesitation. When it came to choices, her heart often forgot to consult her mind. And that mind of hers could be as blind as a bat and stubborn as an ox. As times went on she felt the ups and downs, the loves and losses, the gains and the truth. That nothing was quite as it had seemed. That no matter where she ran, there she would be looking back at herself or she had to choose to move on. But moving on was not as easy as packing a few boxes and writing a sorry letter or two, it meant being afraid, surviving with a little help of her friends. It meant exploring women with her body and mind and being more clear about what sort of energy was welcomed. An opportunity to explore what she had ruled out, possibilities that she would have never otherwise explored. The transformation was anything but graceful, it came with loss of sleep and feelings that were terribly torn and confused. Never knowing that she would be required to be a fighter, her heart pressed on when she was able to quiet her mind. So many thoughts about what had come and gone and what may lay ahead. Her head had become a busy place. But busy was not the pace of the life she desired anymore. Some days she knew she didn't belong here anymore. There was no doubt that she was resilient, the question was how much would she have to endure? How many times would she have to rise after a fall? What was next for her to experience?
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
Often moments and actions that are perceived as defeat actually trigger an important process of self-reflection and silent contemplation. The greatest discoveries made about oneself are in absolute silence, when distractions are without presence and one is able to step-aside to witness pent-up emotions without judgement. Accept each experience as purposeful and know that karma is compiled over many seasons of change. Remain open in heart and mind.
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
I become preoccupied with wanting to know what my next move is and worry how I will survive as a single income sometimes. I forget to practice a little patience and take a step back and assess all the fragments of my life - letting go of what experiences have served there time and celebrating the potential of what lay ahead. I must release this pressure I keep placing on myself, it's a matter improving my mental health.
Monday, June 9, 2014
|Work by Tamara de Lempicka|
I am a little strange I suppose, but I prefer "interesting". If you ask me what it is that I want from you, and I am simply going to put my expectations aside and live in the moment. "I want a great conversation and to exchange _____ with you. Is that cool?" I ask that you reply honestly, for if I do not tickle your fancy, or you want to tickle my fancy, in time words, body language and actions will tell. Whether you come back for more is your choice. I do not have much care to search and find what others lack anymore, especially when it comes to compassion, intelligence, sexuality and decisions. In this game that you and I could play, each person has the right to choose moves they desire the most. To taste what the other has to offer and whether it is enticing or sour like the past, but the move is always yours to make.
If you did not see this and you are in a place that requires healing and compassion, allow this to be the light in the midst of a loss of a woman who inspired and struggled with herself, her whole life. So much respect for Left Eye. Her genius is undeniable, Gemini Queen. Xxo
Awareness lives inside you. It never betrays you and often signals to warn you when something is not right, whether through physical or mental symptoms. Take the time to honour this powerful intuition that is as much a part of you as your DNA. You don't need to seek it, you just need to listen and accept the wisdom it holds. Awareness resonates with such fortitude, as it is your soul's way of communicating to your living state.
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Trusting the unknown is a way of changing limiting perceptions. Trust that your soul will leave an eternal signature behind, far after your physical body is gone. Work on creating that legacy actively, day and night, spring and winter. Acknowledge all the discouraging and cheeky voices in your head and around you, but don't allow them drive you away from your divine purpose. Sit quietly and believe, the simplicity of happiness comes from breathing and embracing peace.