Tuesday, June 24, 2014

365 Days

I do not carry a dark heart, in fact I usually am able to see the light in mostly every situation. But I must say, these past 365 days I have seen, felt and experienced things that I never knew before. Sure there is love, but there is also deep pain. At the end of the day any stability that is present will all fade away. The things that you love most will leave you or die, and you will be left with your head in your hands with so much grief that it doesn't seem fathomable to process to the most heroic of hearts and minds. I am no longer able to be ethereal in any way, because suffering has come for me, taunted me with questioning the worth of my life when I was vulnerable and broken inside. I realized that I was no longer able to be strong for the ones I love, nor was I able to be connected  towards the experiences that had once set me free. I was unable to take on the grief of the ones that mattered most to me the way I was use to, even when they needed me. My tank was empty and it all stemmed from night after night of no sleep. It felt like perpetual insanity that my body would not just submit to slumber, what was the matter with me? I tired it all: anti-depressants, sleeping pills, anti-anxiety medications, but nothing seemed to work. I was perplexed as the pharmacist has just told me that this pill would allow me to gain 6-8 of solid rest. Acupuncture, tinctures, yoga, meditations, herbs, all had passed through me. What was the matter with me - had I mutated into some sort of un-human beast? Was the universe taunting my sanity to the edge of the plank and nudging me to fall? The thing that hurt the most is that I no longer felt I could create my art - my words, positivity, the love that resided inside me. It felt like I had been raped and exposed, lying naked in the middle of floor, then I scurried under a table where no one could see the monster that had become me. Friends assured me that things would get better, doctors and family too. However there were at least 180 of those 365 days when I was am empty shell with no reason or way. The only thing that kept me alive and made me move was the thought of feeding my beautiful daughters, my sweet feline hearts. If it was not for them I would have likely just faded away. Maybe one day some one would have discovered my writing alongside my shadowy grave and realized that I had something worth saying, or perhaps an honesty that was rare. What a shame I passed away.

Here I am 365 days later and I have survived. Things are far from perfect, but god damn it I am still alive and I have in me still some bit of a fight. My friends assure me that I am a stronger woman today and that because of these experiences, I have earned the right of passage to a new phase of my life. I am actually ready to allow some parts of me to fade away, regaining my strength slowly day-by-day. This new me will be even better than before, she is not a theory, she is actually manifested into a force. Most importantly I have learned the value of myself like never before, though I still wonder why I was not good enough in many scenarios. First hand I have witnessed a miracle of life and the loss of lives that were premature - the sadness of friends that I love with all my heart and respect; those who push me to try each day, I thank them silently and vocally each day. Of what is ahead, I am scared and unsure. But I have made a promise to myself, the words that come to the tips of my hands are to share, as long as I am able to be a vehicle, everything will be ok. I would be happy to die this way. It's time for hard changes, no matter how much I feel scared. The time has come, may the universe grant me the strength.
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