Monday, August 20, 2012

Broken Bird

I am so drained. I am not strong enough to heal. I keep thinking of you, your body, your kiss, you, all of you. You're still the most beautiful woman I know. I keep bleeding the love that you were the one I wanted to be with forever. I was not lying when I said I wanted to be by your side and my feelings would not change, even if at times there was struggle. It has damaged me so badly that you just gave up on us, thinking that our challenges were enough a reason to walkaway. I can't get through a day without wanting all of you back, good and bad. I can't function, and I only pretend that I can move on. I reach out to friends and family continuously, I wake up at 4am each day with such anxiety and lay frozen for hours. I am useless at looking at the future with hope. I feel mostly hopeless. I really wanted to have you by my side through all the challenges, I imagined if I was ever sick it would you to hold my hand and tell me everything would be ok. I pictured the moment before I die, seeing you face and remembering how lucky I was to have known you, smiled with you, to have made love to you, shared with you, survived with you. Holding your hand at parties, catching your glimpse from a far and then sneaking away to kiss you. I hoped to have our own land one day, where we would build us a home and family. I am sorry that I did not show you enough care these past few months, I was feeling unlike myself, even depressed. Please forgive me.

Help me with this grief, it has no place to hide. Here I am broken bird, a lost soul, full of mutilated hopes and dreams. Keeping with being honest with myself - and I never ever wanted you to feel inadequate. You were perfect the way you were, imperfect. I contributed to the problems that came about and it seems by the time I was able to deal with them, you were already gone mentally. I think of not smelling you and my heart stops beating. I keep dying over and over again, but you still won't come back to me. Maybe I just don't understand how your love still walks my world. I keep spilling my guts because I don't know what else to do. When I am home I feel my love for you in each room. I have never felt a sadness like this - a true adult sense of loss. Why don't you just want to love me, I swear I am mostly good. Everyone can see the sadness in my eyes, I don't even try and put up a disguise. You were my everything and more, now you have gone forward and I am stuck with beautiful and broken memories forever more.
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