I am embarrassed. Really ashamed, like never before, that I became one of those stupid girls who cried all the time and tumbled to the ground with such weak composure. My ignorance was victim to the fear of you leaving my side. I bowed at your feet in honest plea, but you did not even share the same belief system as me. We worshiped from different levels, at different alters, with different desires to embrace inhabitation/ecstasy. I was so far away from receiving any compensation for the emotions and kind sentiment that I unveiled in hopes of a companionship of respect and love, that I let you step all over me. I am the only one to blame, I know this.
I want to remove my blinders now.
I am a host of imperfections, but my silly heart made me believe that if I stood by your side, you would see that I had the power to be a good influence in your life, to cherish you and for us to have eachother at our sides. The truth is you did not see me as a bridge to the sky, you saw me as a magic carpet ride that would eventually come to an end, a demise. But no matter the destinations that I tried to carry your energy, you refused to open your heart, mind and time to me for more than a few pre-disposed moments of time.
If you want something bad enough, I was told, you will catch it with your hands and never let it go. Like a firefly in a jar, I wanted to shine for only you. But I was not given the nurture I needed to shine at my brightest.
Life is an illusion if you allow yourself to be tricked into believing that what you want is not what you need. I was never needed by you, I did not listen to you tell me that in so many different ways. I should have heard you, for I am not deaf. I am more than what you have denominated me into being, an emotional freak with no direction and no sense of self-respect. I felt helpless because I did could not reach you, or if I did, you made me feel nothing but ordinary, though you told me I was special to you.
I will no longer be pushed aside, or be tormented by the loss of what I wished us to have and be. It was not based in truth. I must learn to forgive myself for my pathetic display of self-defecating behaviour, but it is not easy. The battle within continues…how can I learn to forgive myself for the mistakes I have made? It was not you that hurt me, it was me that allowed you to hurt me.