Tuesday, November 20, 2012

The Woman I Use to Be

So many nights I waited for you to reach for me - and you never did. So many mornings I longed for you to send me flowers with a note to say you were sorry, the flowers never came and you never said you were sorry. I can't hate you because it is unlike me to hate at all. I guess I should thank you for all that you have put me through, because of you I found a braver me, a quieter me - and what remains is only a shadow of the woman I use to be. I would have never imagined that we would have come to pass, or that I would be writing of a heartache that you left that perhaps if not tended to, could forever last. I have just put my feet back on solid ground, I absorb knowledge with much more attention. I lead my life with much more awareness and forward direction. I am not dependent on anyone to love me, I simply love myself like I need to be loved. If you could only see me now, I am not foolish lover that once followed you around and hushed her needs, so not to put you down. With each moment that passes by I realize how far I have come, that I am growing much more than I thought I would have the strength to grow. Though at first I could not bring even a smile to my face, I can now bare to face another day. I will not let you diminish me and cause my blessings to be erased.

So many nights I waited for you to come home, you never did. So many mornings I woke up with an anchor piercing my heart, you never came to lift it from my heavy chest. What can I do now but lay this love to rest. I never thought you would be the one to break me down, but now that it has happened I follow the truth to accept that safe with you in no longer where I want to be. I will never let anyone treat me the way you did again, for now I am aware I need to let you die in me. You always showed your true colours, your inglorious vitrues outloud. I was far from perfect but I really did try my honest best in most moments to love you down. I was stupid to think that such a unaware, self-doubting girl would be able to hold the tune of love outloud.
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