Sunday, November 4, 2012

Distant Love

Each day passes and I think about you and I can't help but feel broken hearted, like a blue breasted red bird, laying on the side of the highway gasping with hope to know what it feels like to fly one more time. Though the moments that together we made beautiful have past, I am still haunted by you. I can smell you. I remember dreams I thought we would built together, that instead turned my heart in to a lake of bleeding sorrow when you said goodbye. I feel as though I have to remind myself that in my grief you are no longer mine to hold, that I could not be the one for you, or we would have remained two hearts that beat as one.

They say that love is not captive to hold, instead for it to flourish it must remain free to unravel in all its still beauty. Here I am trying to piece myself back together from each deep breath I take, each time I meditate. When quiet moments pass a thousand shattered pieces of the life I thought was mine to lead come rushing back, and I wonder if I will ever be myself again. You are my familiar past and without you I feel nearly incapacitated by the trauma you inflicted on me; I am so confused, yet I can't hate you. I try and respect what we did have and wonder if you ever think of me - if you ever miss the touch of my large brown breasts on your beautiful lips, sucking my nipples softly as to make me hopeless with surrender - if when you kiss her you ever think of me. If you ever cry missing the daughters you claimed belonged to you and me.

If you could only see me now, I am changing, I am not the foolish woman you once knew. I would have tried to be better for you. I am growing into my womanhood without you. 
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