Changing myself hasn’t been easy. Healing myself is a process that takes place every day. There are so many valuable lessons to be learned when life does not go according to intent, or a central relationship slips away and what is left is a melancholic reflection of a projected (false) life plan. What I have come to terms with is that most people tend to put themselves before others, while I tend to put others before myself. Neither of these equations is winning, in fact it is this idea of balancing these that has become appealing to me. I use to think that if I gave all of me indefinitely, others would gravitate to the light in me. Current circumstances dictate that this plan is flawed and made in haste.
I have been lied to because the truth remained silent too long, I have felt abandoned by those I held in the highest esteem and spent my time and affection on. I have trusted another with every ounce of my heart, only to be left a wandering and lost soul desperately praying for the return of love’s spell. What has come to me in silent thoughts; I was not taking an active role in creating my destiny, but rather hitchhiking along lives road. To love in stubbornness is not a sign of maturity, nor is restricting someone else path in the search for whatever it may be for them to feel free. Now I can see.
For too long I chose to be blind to my issues and hide behind a lover as a protective cushion, even if she did not truly protect me beyond her convenience. I release the mind that was driven by ego, that thought that what I knew is all that I needed to know. Now I find strength in being a single woman in her 30’s, focusing on growing internally and professionally. You see if others can’t care for me unconditionally, if a lovers touch is fleeting and often defeating then I will be the one to marry myself. I will not put myself back on the market until I am able to rectify these mistakes in myself.
Happiness is not dependent on placing the blame or feeling shame. In fact happiness blossoms like flowers from concrete when you reduce the pain of the past and open your heart to always be strong enough to seek a new start.