I know with each day I grow just a little stronger. Finally I am learning that I must set some boundaries and limits to my inherent sufferings and realize that I am set to endure a story that is worthy of being told. If I can just find the words. I speak of an interesting irony and baffling pain. Of bridges crossed and bridges burned. About the tenderness of the gentlest love and the lacerations that laid within the facility of my silent sadness of heart.
I miss you so much sometimes. I don't even know if you exist but on my best days I am convinced that you do. I hum a sweet melody at the thought of you being close to me in the night. I swear there are no other words that reflect the thought and feeling of you other than pure delight. I giggle at my foolish ways, imagine riding the streetcar and getting excited at the idea of becoming closer to where you are. Closer to you. I had it once, I wish for it again. I am strong enough to remember that I will mend, if the reality of our happiness was to bend.
I have fallen apart, I have rested my loose heart in front of me and interrogated her defiant and resistant nature. Why must she be such a fool, for the fool falls in delight for what is immediate. I love that reckless feeling. Love at first sight, basic instinct, two people that have wandered through life to find solace in eachother. Peace. Knowing that there will always be someone to see you as the woman you are.
I have learned that I must be brave enough to remember what it is that I deserve. I still wake up hurting so much to feel that kind of love again. Happiness is a choice, the trick is learning to say no when you realize something makes you feel bad. Love can be blind, but it's your responsibility to open your mind. Never sail away from the way you had wished it to be, or they way you were once happy. Educate and try your best to move on. Remember that you must be free. Here. Now. We all are human, we all feel pain, abandonment and illogical fear. The bitter is equal to the sweet. The bitter leaves you feeling much more sore. Sweet mercy.
The furniture looks cheap when it is cheap. The decor is not trendy, nor a redemption of a past fad when there is not thought put into a making it a home. She was never able to give me her heart alone.
Alone love can take away the sadness that is ever so true. In our hands is the power to create an art, a home between me and you.