Saturday, September 26, 2009


See it's just that no matter how I tell you,, you're not going to understand what it is to be me, to strive to really be free of colonist proximity. To care so much that it can make you forget what it is that is to gain. To love so deeply in silence that it moves you to beautiful release. The thing is that I am intense, I say what's on my mind, that which lingers in the cuticle of my clipped thoughts. Why when I love does it hurt so much, is it not meant to grant you salvation? Dust away the sands of yesterday to reveal my secrets inside. I just want someone to hold me and show me that they care, that they really would tear open the skies for me. Innocent, nothing lavish or sexual, just to say I care.

Time moves forward and I wait for you. I always believe in you even when I feel no mercy is being bestowed on me by you. It's not that hard to just tell me that I exist to you in a sacred place that lives beyond the ending of happily ever after, beyond a wedding of weeping violins and a voices that lift to the corners of the room's air to fill it with sounds of the most humble offerings I have to give you. My heart with which I carry gratitude for breathing, caring, sharing, listening to your heartbeat. Falling open to knowing that with you my truth lays safe from judgments harm.

If all eyes were on me, the air still and the climax near, I would let out such a loud silence that everyone would wander what possessed voodoo in me to be so moved. It's not that I don't want to care for you, I just wonder if you too will care for me the way I do for you. All is said well and done beyond done, will you always leave me in pursuit to find a reason to run?

I can feel you, you are unusual. I have always been attracted to things that are a little off, perhaps a little deranged by being let down time and time again. Here in this moment you have chosen to listen to me say that I can't stop saying. I can't mute a feeling that wishes to be granted flow, I can't pass-up the opportunity to tell you that you thrill me, no matter how stupid and uncalled for in sporadic it may seem to you. I am reckless fool when it comes to you.

When I go home and the day is complete, my headphones call to me in serenity to remind me that I can make it through the day alone. Somehow the sound of someones voice in my ears soothes me, moves me. Try with her, cry with her and open the curtains each day to welcome her sunlight in (even on the gloomiest).

Suffering happens in silence no matter how many times it is written or reminisced. Every moment stricken with tragedy somehow manages to melt into bearable healed wax oh so poetically. I may not contemplate with suicide but death has stared me in the face with despair and gut love from me but never away from me. Somewhere love always remains dormant like my childhood dreams. I just want to be loved so much, like a giddy schoolgirl who exchanges letters with a boy who she blindly fancies that sits 5 seats to the left side.

I don't mean to be so full of energy, it is unbecoming like gas on a humid day. I just can't help myself, I want you and nobody else.
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