Trynna Find My Way....I Stumbled Upon YOU

Those close to me are aware that I have been feeling a little low for the past week or so. It is not very often that I am thrown into depression, as I tend to discipline my sadness with an emotional-snap-the-fuck-out-of-your-sadness bootcamp, approach!

Exit logic, exit self-control. Something grips me and gets me twisted in my own heart and mind. I shed tears from my soul, and sing along to a multitude of sad love songs. How can I stop this pain? I mourn, I lean, I suffer. What the fuck is wrong with me?? I had not felt this lost in years, confusion and insecurity seemed to be my dreary, constant companion.

Wake up. I begin to deal.

So after some time in processing, the instrumental support of friends (you know who you are...LOVE) and the patience of my companion, this is what came into light.

ThunderpussGeisha feels lost!!

I recently ended my contract employment at the University of Toronto, and this has left me scrambling looking for new employment. This makes me question my future, finances and prevokes my fear that I may not be able to be employed, in a field that I engage passion for. As much as we all hate to admit it, nowadays, money is a big factor in survival and for happiness. Bills will always need to be paid and leisure is a escapism from the hectics of everyday routine, in addition to a key socialization tool. I don't want to work in something that allows me to just make money, I wanna feel for what I do. I do not want to be a drone, controlled by the higher mind. I want to be respected as an individual.

But I think that the consequence that most set off a reaction in me was, my recent entering into a relationship after five years of being single. Scary stuff, kids. There are monsters in all our closets, whether visable or not.

I realized that as soon as I got comfortable with my new lover, I started to fall back into some of my not so admiral, relationship habits. IE/ Being grumpy and controlling at times when I need to just chill. After a weekend of being an insensitive jerk to my lady, I came to realize how I had been acting, I felt broken. Like scum. I honestly did not recognize my behaviour at the time I was acting like this, that scared me even more. See the thing is, I am the sort of individual that likes to hurt those around me, especially not the individual that I am attempting to build something substantial with; a future. Neither do I desire pain inflected upon me by a jaded lover.

Presently, I have come to a road that demands me to remember that which had been somewhat evasive in my life. No, not love. But the commitment to be with one individual and support eachother on high days and low days. With laughs, triumphs, tears and fears.

Side note: Emotional-snap-the-fuck-out-of-your-sadness bootcamp is hard to sustain, when you have disappointed others, and in turn and ultimately, yourSELF. Tainted love.

I questioned, I worried, I feared. I wrestled with my disappointment in myself and my fear of what she could challenge in me. This is what was causing me to act in a frenzy; At times, we were not treating each other with the love and respect that I know immaculatly took breath through our connection. Our opposites did attract, but now it was time to make it something that could last. We all love hard, but do we try hard? Honestly, it is hard for humans to be kind.

I realized this: In my time as a single, I disciplined myself to be the best individual I could be -- and grew immensely. This new relationship had forced my insecurities and bad habits to come out within a relationship framework -- something that had been suppressed in me for quite a few years. Though I know I have evolved in my understanding of love, it is one thing to have knowledge and another to practice what you are aware of. Emotional discipline is necessary in a relationship, if you want to survive. I want to survive with her.



I wake up and I am willingly forced to see how I have made her feel. I do not want to hurt anyone. My intentions are good.

My lady, you have helped me to look at/into myself in a way that allows and encourages me. Encourages me to grow not only individually, but as your lover and partner -- as a whole. YOU are the reason that I have a renewed smile on my face. YOU are the reason that I feel a love that moves me, body and soul. YOU are the one I want to make it with. I am ready to GROW WITH YOU.

YOU push me....