Sunday, October 28, 2012

Crab Out of Water

Dear friends and readers. First and foremost I would like to thank you all for your kind words, support and outreach in these past months. For those who have been reading along I am sure the traces of a broken heart are evident all over my blog. For those who are unaware, I was abruptly left by my partner of almost 3 years and this has been the focus of my thoughts, emotions in my writings and everyday existence. At times it has been debilitating. While I wanted to hide I did not have anything but my writing to process the pain. I will not deny that this break-up felt much like a catastrophe - it left me feeling battered, abandoned and blue. I have never been hurt so deeply by someone who I cared for with all my heart, and she wanted nothing to do with me once she was gone, disrespectfully excusing herself as if I was a cheap lover. I became a ghost to her. She bolted like I was an abusive lover and it made me feel weak and unworthy of being loved.

I began to see I gave the demise of this union the power to displace my sense of happiness, self-esteem and peace. I think this is natural after a break-up, but I was having hardtime balancing any positive thoughts from this break-up initially. I felt like I could die without her by my side, with the thought of not seeing her naked body ever again, feeling her lips against mine. After sitting and pouring tears and destroying myself with sadistic thoughts of inadequacy and fear, I realized how much my happiness was connected to her presence in my life and all the things she loved. I felt haunted by anything that reminded me of her and my past. While I don't regret love, in moments I wonder how I was unable to see that she was so unhappy and disinterested in our life together. While I still have moments where I feel like a lost child in a crowd, each moment I am trying to consciously love myself like I loved her. It is he hardest challenge I have faced in many years.

Break-ups are so hard if you were genuinely invested in that commitment with the intentions of trying to make it work through all goods and bads. I have learned some harsh life lessons these past weeks, which have rocked the foundation of who I am as a person - a  lover, a dreamer, a feeler, a woman full of love with the belief that love is all and all is love. In  moments I question if I am naive and a fool for thinking this, a traditional girl in a modern world, a crab out of water.

One of the hardest realities I have faced is the loss of a social circle and those who I thought were friends of mine. After the first initial days after being left, I did try to reach out to those who were mutual friends when we were a couple and was ignored by most parties. No one called me to ask if I was ok, no one seemed to care that my world had come undone and I was lost. Me, the woman who would put anyone before herself was the one who needed a shoulder to lean on, and these people were far from being comforting or available. Does this hurt me, yes. These were people I trusted and cared for, but the truth came that because of the end of this relationship, they had stuck by her over me. While from my past break-ups I know that social circles loosen after breakups, I did not expect that my value would become void to all these people, who I had laughed and shared myself with kindness. Now I know who my true friends are. They remain.

When you are the one who is left in the space where you once shared your life with your ex-partner, it is like being trapped in an asylum with a diseased mind. As she broke-up with me in this space, I could find moments where I would be staring at walls and picturing each moment like it was happening all over again. Yet somehow as real as it felt, I realized it was only me playing devil with my well-being. I think that getting out of that space was one of the best things that I could have done. Away from the hauntings, away from the noise, away from all that came undone in those walls. Reclaim space, it is now yours.

I cannot be with someone who is not able to express themselves. I am human, I have faults indeed. I have never been too good with balancing my own space within the framework of a relationship and I am not proud of that, in fact after this experience I felt harshly embarrassed that I held on to her so tightly. I still have moments where I wonder if it was my desire to spend each moment with her was the reason she bailed - that she realized that I was not that amazing after all. But no matter the scenario, I still was not given the respect to have an adult conversation about what was not working, or where I could grow. I do believe that I am a solid partner when it comes to communication - but I require a partner to be adult with me about what she needs. Though I may act bratty in these less than desirable conversations about where I need to change, I know the core of me would like to grow and willing to do what I need to make my love unconditional and sensitive to my partners needs. I want to do better at this starting now.

I know that sometimes the pain of holding on is even worse than the pain of letting go. I guess that I can't love someone who is no longer willing to love me openly. For many years I have prided myself on loving with all my vigor and showing people what I have learned, that love should live the intention of each moment and really the only meditation that makes us productively human. I know now that not everyone believes in love the way that I do, that different people have different paths they need to lead, but I need someone to appreciate that I would walk the fire to keep my love alive, to fight for the love I stand for and believe in.

I am changing, I am growing, it is not comfortable; but it seems the more I refuse it, the more it reaffirms that truth is not in feeling, but in accepting. I don't expect to be whole again anytime soon but I hope to at least be a woman who can provide her niece with courage. That one day when she comes to me with a broken heart I can assure her she will grow. That's all I can hope. Thank you to those who are hoping that for me. Now is the time for me to be happy with just me.

Gratefully,

P
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