Sunday, February 22, 2009

Righteous Mother

My curse has always been that I came from the abundance of my mother’s strength. It really is unimaginable, non-fathomable how little my heart really does bend the wiser I grow, the more times I manage to place a block before the impact of the blow. I imagine that if I were weaker I would have killed myself by now, hand on heart, knife in hand, “Goodbye sweet misery,” I would romantically say- watch each drip fall with yellow acidity to the true colours of Fortunes fate. I have, with my head hung low watched those who were once my dearest of friends walk away when I needed them most, I have cried making love to a woman and felt the sensation of my happiness before my eyes, the rush of my devote sincerity trickle down with a release between my shaking thighs. I have laughed at the things that have showed me that there’s still a reason to smile, even if it is for a simple, short while. I have sat in the dark and played with my thoughts that twirl around and around in my head, concluding I was not dead, but very much alive instead. I watched my 93 year-old grandmother lay in her hospital bed and fight for her peace of mind away from the physical pain- only to watch her slip away, when I really wanted her to teach me more and stay. I have seen my father lie then cry and forgiven him for all the pain he has caused me and mine inside. I have watched my niece grow into a young woman, tall as a tree and as sensitive as the vulnerability of bark upon being kissed by the rain. I have felt so much pain, pain, pain. I have simmered down to sleep and felt only awake at the boiling stakes that play with my ever-changing Fate. I have realized that today is a beautiful day, with or without you. I will make new friends along the way, I will see a woman and feel the erratic heartbeat skip at a pace of a most beautiful love-song, I will continue to forgive my father and I will cry when I loose someone I love, again and again. I am human, as human as can be. I am my mother’s child.
I am here before you, for you to see me set myself afloat, march in revolt to my own stubborn ways, wash away the blackened tears of past moments that have gone away, to motivate myself to stay positive and continue doing it my way. Her way.
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