I have always been aware that love is equal to pain, one is not necessarily greater than the other. That is not to say that I don't believe that love has brought me much more comfort then pain. While neither love or pain is a stranger in my life, I am shyly realizing that I am unable to withdraw myself without much anxiety, at the possibility to not protect and keep safe the ones I love.
Protecting and caring for those I love the most is a most crucial and worthwhile of importance to me in my life. I could say that mothering is a very natural instinct to my Cancer nature, and the inability to guarantee sustaining safety for my children frightens me. I can imagine this is a natural occurrence of emotion in many parents.
The last weeks have been tough for me. For those who have previously read my blog, my one-year old cat Kali has been exhibiting shaking back legs that are weak. She has always shown some shaking in her legs. I have been to two different vets seeking hope to find out what is wrong (the first experience which was one of my most traumatic life experiences, and I wrote about on the blog on June 2nd). No one has been able to give me an answer, so now I have a appointment with a neurologist to examine Kali. I am trying to remain hopeful.
What can I say - I have been a straight out mess. Crying, afraid and not very much like a woman who believes that strength is a way to influence the present situation. For the first time in my life I am afraid to loose something that mean so much to me, and I am not sure how to be strong. Regular pep talks from my partner, my sister and my Mom keep me rebounding, but I still fear loss.
So I guess I ask this - why am I so afraid and how do I make myself stronger in this situation? A conversation I keep feeling in waves mentally and physically, over and over.
I guess for once I wish that I had a way to be offered a wisdom that would help me to grow in this situation. I guess I never thought that I could love another creature so much. For all the innate wisdom that I know I have, I suppose I also have so much to learn.