Friday, July 23, 2010

Self-Massacre

Michelangelo, "la furia" (The Fury)
Who have I become? I am not the person I envisioned myself to be at this point in the game. How come I feel more sad than I have in a longtime? Why can't anyone properly pronounce my name? I moved forward in good faith, my heart tucked away as my compass and my good intentions as the beacon I thought to highlight my way - but it seems that I have not really come too far at all.

Lately I have been feeling like a failure, not someone I am proud to call a carnation of me. My mind feels stagnant, I am frustrated that I have yet to finish my degree and pursue the passion I have for history as a career path that is meant to be. Historical sexuality brings such out-pour from me.

This feeling sinks in my circuitry and it resembles a momento from the past that I never wanted to see again; helplessness without the focus to regain concentration and get back on the train.

I don't feel excited when I see my writings published anymore, I am not sure if I am really helping anyone with my thoughts afterall. I am not usually like this, I am compromised, vulnerable and in a weaken state. I feel embarrassed that I can't just shake it off and move away from the confusion and the pain.

A hit of a wooden bamboo stick across the side of my head. I lay in the gutter and what sinks into me is  falling away. I look in the mirror and I am sure that something has gone wrong. I push my loved ones away for when I am like this I want to be alone in my misery without impacting those around me.

I swear I am not usually like this, maybe all the pressure, disappointments and routine to work only to pay is making me fade away.
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