My Lil Cuz

I went out with my little cousin yesterday. She is my favourite. So we sat at Timothy’s and discussed are woes, triumphs, transitions, confusions and our progresses. We also ate cookies.

It is funny how things change but still manage to stay the same. She was the one who stood by me when I went through severe depression after my first break-up and sat on the phone with me through my second heart-break, listening to me pour my tears of sadness through the line. She is younger than me, but has always provided me with instrumental support and endless love and devotion. She sees and admires me for who I am.

I tell her of my worries, she provides me with some of the smartest advice I have ever heard.

She remarks, “Love is like a religion to you, don’t ever change your values for anyone else. Love is not an Evangelist.”
SMACK. She hits me where it matters.

I need someone who can show me their heart, put me first, treat me like a lady and let me be the silly romantic fool that I am. She says, “You are a circle and she is a square. You are open to a relationship, she is not. You deserve to have your values realized and your dreams come true.”

I know I have made mistakes in love; I try and hold myself responsible for each of them. I can get greedy to want her all to myself, but I just want some of her time. I want to be accountable to someone in a relationship. It seems that is where we fall apart. I am not myself when I feel alone, when I have limitations placed on my affection and my ability to reveal my heart to someone. My hand fits giving love, but does everything I give come back to me?

As much as it hurts me, I see what she is saying.

Ashafuckoo…I love you. I will miss you while you are gone and hold you close to me. Thank you for becoming such a marvelous and intelligent woman and always seeing my fight to survive. To many wonderful conversations and helping each other stand up when we fall down, again and again.

I carry you in my heart. XO