There is simply nothing perfect about me. In fact, to many I must be a strange little emotional queer thing. Placing that aside, I want to connect my open struggle and relationship with my mental health matters. I feel it is important to keep the conversation going with everyone. Mental wellness is not a thing you deal with, it is a necessity of being healthy. Just like water down your throat, or sweat dripping down your skin after an endorphin hit.
A couple months ago I started to toy with the idea of coming off the SSRI (Selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors) I have been on for about 10 months. While the meds gave me the opportunity to ground myself, get my ish together (cause life can be a "_____"), and certainly helped to reduce anxiety and thus get better sleep (important!)- they did come with an array of unappealing side effects. These included horrible horrible night sweats and bad dreams, a constant feeling and state of fatigue, brain zaps and the inability to ironically, feel any of that recklessness that makes me "special"! Who'd of dun gone think the emo Cancer girl could NOT feel! Not not feel at all, but in a Virgo kind of way, not feel!
While I appreciate the medication, which alongside therapy, concious breathing and cognitive shifting into healthier thinking habits have allowed me to regain my strength and adapt an "ain't nobody got time for that" attitude of realness, beyaaach. But here I am now. I had to know if I can stand alone again, though of course I fear not being able to have enough serotonin all by myself! For someone who was very reluctant about pharmaceuticals, I admit they can help. But it's much bigger than just that.
Whether you are someone who deals with mental health or not, you really should. The greatest thing about this journey is that I have learned to love and respect myself more than ever. I am my own ride or die. I realize my own strength, and I want you to be kind to yourself and realize yours. It ain't easy to be real in this world, who could be sane, there lives so much pain. A consider myself a real muthafucka, but hell, it takes a toll. It all takes a toll. It is not wrong to feel head hearted, it is human. Regardless of that, you deserve joy and love always. It makes you feel alive, even when you feel anxious or sad.
So where does that leave me? Somewhere between a pill bottle and a deep breath, between endings and more Deep Doses. The potential and reality of anxiety. It is ok to have emotions, that is what makes us all human.
Don't be afraid to ask for help, it is the thing I suck at most in the world, well besides being straight! I truly believe that if less people buried their trauma and pain and dealt with it, this would be a more mentally stable world. Once you realize the capacity of self; mental health gives you a way to survive. Realize it is not about control at all. It is about taking a look of what is in front of you, grappling with feelings of loneliness and uncertainty, loss and more gains. War and death, making-love and falling. Creating/creativity, ability.
Wellness of the mind is not a one-size-fits-all kind of package you buy online. You have to take chances. It can be scary to admit you have something bigger than what you can deal with alone, or to even see that.
Don't look down of yourself, as long as you are trying, you have the satisfaction of knowing that you find value in yourself. Your uniqueness and beauty. Don't feel any guilt when it comes to doing what you need to be all-good at the tip of your hood (your head). There are so many wonderful options: massages, acupuncture, Chinese medicine, naturopathic medicine, pharmaceuticals, excercise, yoga, meditation, therapy. The list of what makes you feel good and grounded. Do it for yourself. That is what mental health is.
Now I sit and wait and see what comes next. Aware that I am a 100% survivor.