My emotions willingly reveal the certainty of being touched. Silent in the ears of the pale interpreter my feelings steadily drift like identity, from diaspora to diaspora. All too often my desires are pressed and interpreted like my words. Each time I feel, each time I speak, I am purposely misunderstood.
When I was young I spent too much time flirting frustration with the teasing adolescent hope of finding a reflection of myself in others; with seeking people that understood where I came from and that would openly invite me to be a guest in their homes. I was young and foolish then. Now stronger, wiser and riper, I am aware that we create ghettos in the concaves of our own minds, and that an ignorant state of grace is result of a controlled environment where uniqueness is not thought of as great.
To me the temple of my body, each curve of my delicate yet stern brown skin represents a colonial fight for survival, a refusal of submittal towards being both what my parents were in Africa, what I was in England and what the oligarchies of pressure want my colours to washout into in Canada today. I am a wild and humble country withstanding and free.
I am my own master and my own citizen, and through my deviant and empowered sexuality I will continue to harvests my ancestor’s refusal to yield to another’s push and shove. I will not conform to the vulnerable position of a calf down on her knees, or hold a trigger to my own head from fear of persecution or another’s homophobic mislead. I live evasive of social and cultural captivity by escaping both gay and straight confines of sexual tyranny. They may choose to make me a spectacle, they may choose to not see me at all, but I am here to haunt awareness and make you have no choice but to acknowledge me, no matter how small the spotlight may be.
I won’t accept conforming to be a ventriloquist so that I can manufacture myself as a coward that fears the aptitude of my power as a creator, preserver and destroyer. You see my body aligned with my mind is where I find my thoughts unwind. All the scars I wear from lovers past (though they may look unattractive to others,) I trace proudly as reminders of the fortitude I possesses to birth infinite love for women who inspire me to release beauty. Women to me are such insatiable creatures of elegance and embrace that to not fall blindly in love with them would make me go insane like a damsel in distress of stress.
Dreaming of having this mysterious, unseen woman by my side is the reason why I continue to pray for her to take her throne at my side. An epic love between two women is hard to disguise, for like any love that is love pure and true, devotion is the reason that you humble yourself to make her the place you call a home. When your bodies collide underneath the veil of moonlight, the strike of undying passion unfolds that would strike ordinary metal into rich gold.
To feel exiled from the woman that dwells deep inside your soul is as violent an experience as being ripped away from my native home. I would be displaced, shamed, broken and blue without possessions or religion to turn too with hopes to pull through. Like Krishna without his Radha, the surface of my body cannot be inhibited as a home without the devotion of the woman I love to call my own.
Again and again I am able to see that my homeland is not only where I comes from, but where I wish to plant the seeds of my dreams and cultivate the growth of my spirituality. My homeland is her arms wrapped around my body at night, her head tucked into my chest and the feeling that everything is going to be alright.
From the niche of a cloudy yet protective tree top, my existential soul continues its journey by forming a ribbon of free and vibrant sentimentality. The ribbon of colour it expels is suspended at times through criticism, yet somehow my soul manages to need no reason or rhyme to find a way through the crescendo of seasons that change, or the constant propaganda of discrimination that if swallowed will covert love to pain. I will peacefully fight for my homeland to develop religion until the end of time.